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Two silkworms had a race. It ended in a tie.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't
worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said
What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'.

I went to the butchers. I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "The steaks are too high."

I went to the doctors with a jelly and custard stuck in my ears. He
asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' so I said, 'I'm a trifle deaf.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I saw an ad in a shop window that said ""Television for Sale ""“ £1- Volume Stuck On Full""�. I thought: ""I can't turn that down""�.

I just ran into one of the Seven Dwarves. He wasn't happy.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.
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