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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<div style=": white; margin-bottom: 12pt;">What's in the
box?




















<div style=": white;">
























<div style=": white;">What's
in the box? A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the check out
counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old
people
buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you
are
buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went
home, picked up her cat and brought it back
to the store. They sold her
the cat food. The next day, she tried to
buy two cans of dog food. Again
the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without
proof that you have a dog. A lot of
old people buy dog food to eat, but
the management wants proof that
you are buying the dog food for your
dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to
buy the
dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in
the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the
hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The
little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would
harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
quickly pulled
it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh*t."
The
little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
paper."















<div style=": white;">





Don't
mess with old people.




<div style="padding: 0px;">The 6th grade science
teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
class,







<div style="padding: 0px;">'Which human body part
increases to ten times its size when
stimulated?'




<div style="padding: 0px;">No one answered until
little Mary stood up and
said,




<div style="padding: 0px;">'You should not be asking
sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they
will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire
you!'




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">Mrs. Parks ignored her and
asked the question
again,




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">'Which body part increases
to 10 times its size when
stimulated?'




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">Little Mary's mouth fell
open. Then she said to those around
her,




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">'Boy, is she going to get
in big trouble!'




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">The teacher continued to
ignore her and said to the
class,




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">'Anybody?'



<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">Finally , Billy stood up,
looked around nervously, and
said,




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">'The body part that
increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye.'




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">Mrs.. Parks said, 'Very
good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued
.




<div style="padding: 0px;">



<div style="padding: 0px;">'As for you, young lady, I
have three things to
say:




<div style="padding: 0px;">One, you have a dirty
mind.




<div style="padding: 0px;">Two, you didn't read your
homework.




<div style="padding: 0px;">And three, one day you are
going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
 

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<b style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; ">Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A. He had no body to dance with.

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A. He is mist.

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Q. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A. It's good for the bones.

Q. What is a Mummy's favorite type of music?
A. Wrap.

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A. Because he didn't have a haunting license.

Q. How do you mend a broken jack-o-lantern?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What does a pumpkin say after a big meal?
A. That was filling.

Q. What does a pumpkin say after dessert?
A. Good pie.

Q. What is the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
A. Pumpkin Pi.

Q. Why do so many jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles?
A. If all of your brains were carved out, you would have a stupid smile too.[/b]


Edited by: eoncathell
 

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Wicked jokes
Here's a good one

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
 

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Dano that was hilarious


Luke, Gary and Dave walk into a bar, all of them suffer with a stutter, there was a beautiful barmaid behind the counter,
Luke goes up to the bar and says;
"ttthh...tthh....ttthhhrre...p...p..."

the barmaid gets fed up and walks away to serve someone else, when she comes back Gary has a go; "ttthhrr....ttthhreeee....p...pp...ppiiinnt...."

Again the barmaid gives up, when shes back Dave has go;
"tttthh.....ttthhhree....p..p..p....ppiiin"

the barmaid shakes her head and decides to play a little teasing game, so she replies;
"if any three of you can tell me where you're from without stuttering, i'll take them upstairs and give them the best sex ever"

Luke goes first; "Maaann...maanncch....."
"Sorry you failed" said the barmaid

Gary tries; "Souu...ssouuth....."
"No!" the barmaid says again

Dave; "London"
The barmaid looks shocked but says; "a deal is a deal, come on"
Dave follows her up and has the best session of his life, as he's walking out the door he turns to the barmaid and says; "D...D....Derrry"
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our
driveways and put our useless junk in the
garage.


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">
EVER
WONDER ...


Why
the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our
skin?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">
Why
can't
womenput
on mascara with their mouth closed?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
don't you ever see the headline


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">'Psychic
Wins Lottery'?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
is it that doctors call what they do
'practice'?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?



<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">You
know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out
of
that
stuff?!


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
don't sheep shrink when it rains?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">Why
are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?


<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">

<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">If
flying is so safe,
why
do they call the airport the terminal?



<div style="text-align: center;" ="yiv24529242ecxyiv1630730385ecxyiv107346892Msonormal" align="center">


<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">Shave and a
Haircut

<wbr><wbr><wbr>



















































<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">
<wbr><wbr><wbr>







<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">An old man walks into
the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the
barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
are wrinkled from age.

<wbr><wbr><wbr>







<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">
<wbr><wbr><wbr>







<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">The barber gets a
little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to
put it inside his cheek to spread out the
skin.

<wbr><wbr><wbr>







<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">
<wbr><wbr><wbr>







<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">When he's finished,
the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's
had in years.

<wbr><wbr><wbr>







<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">But he wanted to know
what would have happened if he had swallowed that little
ball.

<wbr><wbr><wbr>







<div style=": white;" ="yiv1579294786ecxMsonormal">
<wbr><wbr><wbr>







The barber replied,
"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else
does."







































<div style=": white;" ="yiv993084442ecxMsonormal">This, apparently, is
an actual letter received by the UK Passport
Office.


























<div style=": white;" ="yiv993084442ecxMsonormal">
Dear
Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport,
and still cannot believe this.. How is it that Sky
Television has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back
in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me
where I was bloody born and on what date.

For
Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date
you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income
tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my
National Health card, my driving licence, my car
insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on
all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to
fill out before being allowed off the plane over the
last 30 years, and all those insufferable census
forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and
for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's
name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that
ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I
apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between
you and me, I've had enough of this bullsh*t! You send
the application to my house, then you ask me for my
bloody address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have
a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at
my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want
to dig up Yasser Arafat, for gods sake. I just want to
go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And
would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a
chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last
bloody people I'd want to tell !!

Well, I have to
go now, because I have to go to the other end of the
poxy city to get yet another copy of my birth
certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so
complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make
sense. You'd rather have us running all over the bloody
place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to
find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the
damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed
to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally
pissed off!

Signed

An Irate
Subject

P.S. Remember what I said above about the
picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
............ I have served in the military for something
over 30 years and have had full security clearances over
25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly
secretive missions all over the world. .........
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who
I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN
AND RAISED IN SODDING PAKISTAN

has been in the
U.K. for just six months and can hardly express himself
in English!


Sincerely,

<div dir="ltr">

President Obama visited
a grade school in South Philly last week to talk to the kids. After his offered question time.



One little boy put up his hand, and Obama asked
him his name.





" Walter," responds the little boy.



"And what is
your question, Walter?"



"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA
bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? (Not sure they did.
JD)



Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when
it's

actually gotten worse?



Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah
Wright was your mentor,

then said that you knew nothing about his preaching
and beliefs?



Fourth, Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil,
but

America is not allowed to drill for oil?"



Just then, the bell
rings for recess so Obama informed the kids that

they will continue after
recess.



When they resumed class, Obama said, "OK, where were we? Oh,
that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"



Another little boy put
up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him

his name.



"Steve," he
responds.



"And what is your question, Steve?"



Actually, I have two
questions.



First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes
early?



Second, What the f**k happened to
Walter?"

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><t><tr><td style="padding: 0cm;" valign="top"><div ="yiv870004252ecxyiv1205826810Msonormal">Happy and
Sad

</td></tr></t></table>
<div ="yiv870004252ecxyiv1205826810Msonormal">

<div ="yiv870004252ecxyiv1205826810Msonormal">


<div ="yiv870004252ecxyiv1205826810Msonormal"> A
husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology
explaining the phenomenon of "mixed
emotions
". The husband turned
to his wife and said,
"Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything
that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

<div ="yiv870004252ecxyiv1205826810Msonormal">

<div ="yiv870004252ecxyiv1205826810Msonormal">She
replied...

<div ="yiv870004252ecxyiv1205826810Msonormal">"Out of all
your friends, you have the biggest dick.""�






































 

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Norrieg that is a funny post, however i'm going to be nit picky here
( no sarcasm intended either ) and tell you the reason to one of the quotes:

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


because it would be too heavy, you would have to "drive" it rather than fly it, planes are made out of light composite materials to reduce tons of things, for example, takeoff roll distance and fuel consumption is reduced, as airliners have reduced in weight it also enables the aircraft to use airports with short runways that older classic aircraft would have had trouble landing and taking off at.
 

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An Australianventriloquist visitingNew Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" />
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'


Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'


Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good.. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'


Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'


Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'


Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'


Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......
 
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