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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What have Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson got in common?


They both had a 10 year old crack addiction.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
On the third day of riots my true love gave to me :- two apple ipods , two nike trainers and a big screen samsung TV !
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrased, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said "rather busy right now". The voice said, "listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions"
 

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A team of Irish Commandos has been sent to Libya to take Gaddafi out.
So far he's been to the cinema twice and tomorrow they're taking him bowling.
 

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Grandmas's
Boyfriend








A5-year-old
boy went to visit his grandmother one
day.



Playing
with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
wasdusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come youdon't have a
boyfriend now that Grandpa went
toheaven?'


Grandmareplied,
'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in
mybedroom and watch it all day long. The
religiousprograms make me feel good and
the comedies make melaugh. I'm happy with
my TV as
myboyfriend.'


Grandmaturned
on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
Shestarted adjusting the knobs, trying to
get the picturein focus.. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backsideof the TV
hoping to fix
theproblem.


Thelittle
boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried
toopen the door and there stood Grandma's
minister. Theminister said, 'Hello son, is
your
Grandmahome?'


Thelittle
boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging
herboyfriend.'


Theministerfainted..





















































Now,
that'sfunny.... I don't care WHO you are.
You know, you justgotta be careful what
you tell

Kids!!












































 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a wank for a pound?"


I must say this at my local
 

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Dano said:
I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a wank for a pound?"
With french fries too of course
 

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The 100m final at the 2012
Olympics will be just like any other Friday night in London, you'll hear
a gunshot followed by eight colored Gentlemen legging
it!
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Where do women pee?

Because all I ever see are signs for Men and Scottish Men.   
 

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<div ="postcolor">My son was thrown out of school today for letting
a girl in his class fondle him. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this
year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Just
been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an
hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

I went to
audition for the part of the Artful Dodger in a production of Oliver
Twist. When I found out I hadn't got the role and had lost it to an
Asian I went and asked the director what was wrong with my audition.
"Nothing," he said "but under our new equal rights policy we've got to
pick a Paki or two."

Prince William says he doesn't want the
traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't
give a toss, he's still going.

Just £3 will buy water and food
for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head.
Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool
were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency.
98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

I've just watched the
Simpsons and realised it's a load of b*llocks. Who would put a load of
funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life story. I've just seen the trailer.

I
thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns
out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Paddy
bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2
bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those
are our opening times you idiot.

Today in an opinion poll I was
asked 'If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would
it be?' Naturally I said ""˜Arabs'
.........................................................Apparently most
people said the 10,000 metres.

Last night I reached for my
liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke
up this morning with a huge correction.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!





-----
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
My wife burst into the bedroom wearing a naughty nurses outfit last night.

"Do you need medical attention?" She winked.

"Yes! Yes I do," I replied. "I've got erectile disfunction."

"Ooh," she giggled. "And when did this start?"

"About 30 seconds ago," I replied.   
 

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Picanto 1.0T GDi GT-Line
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At a
Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck
up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both
of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next
day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his
fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.


They were riding down the river when
there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do
you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her
shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the
boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just
happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in
years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when
soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady
, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and
made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly
gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said
yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon
the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The
woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the
gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in
the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied,
'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the
deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you
made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied,
'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices
were
f**k or drown.'
 

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Picanto 1.0T GDi GT-Line
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<table style="color: rgb0, 0, 0;" border="0" cellPadding="0">
<t>
<tr>
<td style="padding: 0.75pt 0cm 0.75pt 0.75pt;" vAlign="top">
<div style="margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 12pt;">
In a southern
church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who
wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."


With
that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy,
what do you want me to pray about for you?"


Leroy replied,
"Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one
finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head,
and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great
enthusiasm.




After a few minutes,
the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your
hearing now?"


Leroy
answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."



</td></tr></t></table>
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrased, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said "rather busy right now". The voice said, "listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions"
 
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