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997K views 14K replies 155 participants last post by  toonmal 
#1 ·
Boy in the bath with his mum...

Boy says "Whats that hairy thing mum ?"....

Mum replies "Thats my sponge!".....

"Oh yes!"..Says the little boy...

"The babysitters got one, i've seen her washing dads face with it!"......
 
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#7,357 ·
A Priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the Priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The Rabbi comes, and he and the Priest are in the confessional.

After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The Priest asks "What did you do?".
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Four times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $10 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Twice."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the Priest that he thinks he's got it, so the Priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it again. Its 2 for $5 at the moment."

The woman leaves very perplexed and comments to the next woman in line that the Priest is being generous with the penance today.

The next woman enters the confessional and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I performed fellatio"
The rabbi isn't sure what the penance would be, so he nips out of the confessional and asks a passing altar boy what the Priest normally gives for fellatio.
"He normally give me half a crown replies the altar boy."
 
#7,365 ·
Thanks everyone for your concern and lovely messages.
First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though.
For those of you that aren’t aware, I was robbed at Tesco petrol station in Scunthorpe earlier this morning.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.
They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!
My money is gone however.
The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them,
“Yes, it was pump number 3 ”
 
#7,369 ·
I went shopping today in Asda and I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.
The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the grandad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Grandad. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.
 
#7,373 ·
Two French generals in Napolean's army were watching a battle from a nearby hill. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the shoulder. Without an instants' pause, he turned to his aide. "Fetch me my red jacket," he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he turned to the other General, and explained that he didn't want the men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.

The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its' passing rocking them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General turned to his aide, and ordered, "Fetch me my brown trousers ... "
 
#7,374 ·
A man hasn’t been to church for a long while and decides he’d better go to confession before starting to go again.

When he enters the confessional box he’s amazed to find that it’s got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he’s looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, “Father, forgive me, it’s a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side.”
 
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