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I went to demand a a pay rise from my boss today.

Boss: "tell me, why do you deserve a pay rise?"​
Me: "well, there are three other companies chasing me"​
Boss: "I don't believe you. Which companies are they?"​




Me: "... the gas company, the electricity company, and the water company..."​
 

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THANK 'S TO EVERYONE for your concern.

I'm OK, but am still a little shaken up.

For those of you who don't know what happened, this afternoon I was robbed at the petrol station. I gathered myself together, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I honestly think I was in shock. All, my money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof.





The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 2.”
 

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On order (17th Feb): 2022 Sportage GT-Line S HEV in Penta Grey with black roof.
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I Have A Little Satnav

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car,
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life,
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive,
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake,
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green,
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear,
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device,
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught,
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off !
 

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Girl to girlfriend over a coffee at home - "why aren't you dating right now?"

Because my roommate doesn't like me bringing men home.






Loud voice off from the side - for the LAST time, I'm not your roommate, I'm your husband!
 

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On order (17th Feb): 2022 Sportage GT-Line S HEV in Penta Grey with black roof.
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Following on from The Little Satnav…..

50 Shades Of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later when she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said.
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
for the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked,
Bent forward just a bit,
I went to hold her, sensual like,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step ont t’other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
 

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I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,

Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time
 

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At breakfast this morning my wife said "do you know, my nipples are still as hot as they were 50 years ago?"
I told her that one was in her coffee and the other in her porridge.
 

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Good deed done.

This morning, at the supermarket checkout, I was behind an older lady in the queue. Her total came to £56 but when she tried to pay, her card was repeatedly declined.

I had a pretty good 2021 financially and also thought about my own grandma and hoped that someone would help her out in a similar situation.

The old lady didn’t want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves!
 

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2 blondes return to their car after a night out and find they have lost the keys. First blonde scouts about, finds a piece of wire and starts picking the lock. Second blonde, getting impatient, says "can you hurry up! It's starting to rain and the sunroof's open!"
 

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A friend of mine has two tickets for next years FA Cup final, both box seats. He paid £2000 for each ticket, but he didn't realise this year when he bought them, that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.

If you're interested, it's at St Mary's church at 3 PM. Her name is Michelle, she is 5 foot six, about 135lbs, good cook and loves to cuddle. She'll be the one in the white puffy dress.

Let me know if you're interested.
 
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