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Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behaviour. So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

“Is Crimea ours?”
“Yes, it is.”
"And the Donbas?”
“Also ours.”
“And Kyiv?”
“We got that too.”
Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks: “Thanks, how much do I owe you?”

“Five Euros please.”
 

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President Putin and his driver were on their way to the Donbas region in his armoured car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Thinking that a kindly approach may be good for propaganda purposes Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and offer them 5 rubles in compensation. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Putin.

"Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Putin.

The driver replies, "I'm president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig."
 
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