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I'm getting annoyed with people moaning about the cost of things. £2.50 for a coffee, £1.75 for a tea, £2.25 for a cupcake.
If I hear any more complaints I'll stop inviting people round.
Do you give a discount for BYO cup?
 

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A bloke on holidays in Vietnam decides to take a skydiving course. He does all the training, counting until it's time to open his parachute, what to do in case something goes wrong etc. Soon he takes off for his first solo jump.

They reach the altitude for jumping, he stands on the edge of the doorway and launches himself into the air. The exhilaration of free fall makes it all worth while, but that's brief and he pulls the ripcord on his parachute. There's no jolt, the parachute sails away & he's still falling. It's obvious it wasn't packed right. No problem, the many hours in the classroom were not for nothing, he has a reserve chute and he pulls the cord for that.

He finds himself upright, feet downwards, but still approaching the ground rapidly. He looks up and sees the parachute is tangled, not opening out properly. "Oh God, help me, what shall I do?" There's just the rushing wind. Nothing happens. Pondering his imminent demise, he looks down, and sees amongst the trees a temple. "Of course, this isn't home, that's a Buddhist temple". So "Oh Buddha, help me save me from death".

Suddenly his parachute billows out and his descent slows. "Thank God for that" he cries out. And his parachute rips in half and he plummets down.
 

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Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger. As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless. The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down the road. After a few minutes, Mick, who's walking along the inside, turns to his companion and says: "You know what Shamus, I be thinkin' dat maybe you should be carryin' dat dere scythe on yer other shoulder".
 

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The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
 
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