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He better watch out. She has the Colonel Rosa Klebb shoes on....
 

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A woman playing golf hit a man standing nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell to the ground and rolled about in agony. She rushed over to him and offered to relieve his pain as she was a doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away, unzipped his trousers, put her hands inside and massaged him tenderly for a few minutes and asked "how does that feel"? He said "that feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken".
 

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Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.

"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.

"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.

"Oh, that's a hard one..."

The gates swing open.
 

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There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."

The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.

"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.

One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
 

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On the back of this. Watching Police Interceptors the other day & they were targeting lorry thefts.
Pulled up one stolen lorry with 5 guys in in. All wearing High Vis vests..
One comment a officer made was "Well we have you nailed for going equipped to steel" as they were wearing the vests 😂
 

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Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
 

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God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"
Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."
Adam said, "What's A valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."
Adam said, "What's a River?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the Hill....."
Adam said, "What is a Hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On
The Other side of the Hill you will find a Cave."
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a Woman?'So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you To Reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do That?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into The valley, Across the river, and
Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is It Now?"



And Adam said.... "What's a Headache?!
 

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Remember Phyllis Diller?

As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller


Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller




The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller




A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller



I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller



Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller


Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller




We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller



What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller


The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller


His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller


Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller



My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.
-Phyllis Diller


Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller


I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller



The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller


You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
 
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