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A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"

John answered, "I don't know. My hearing isn't until next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
 

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"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Anne stood up and said "My dad has a cold and he said it's contagious"
The teacher thanked Anne and asked for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "My mum has the flu, and I think it's contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
John stood up...
"My next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
 

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A vicar was complaining to his verger that his bike had been stolen.
"Why not preach a sermon on the ten commandments and really hammer home 'Thou shalt not steal'. Perhaps the culprit might regret his actions & return it."
"That sounds like a good idea, thanks."
So, come Sunday the vicar does the ten commandments, but the verger doesn't notice any singular emphasis. After the service
"What happened to going strong on Thou shalt not steal?"
"Oh, didn't need to, when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left my bike."
 

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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father ?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. After a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes, he did."

The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who is he? Who is the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says,

"You are."
 

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HOSPITAL BILL
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed d man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, " Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.."
The patient replied, "Perfect...
Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
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