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Why did the non-binary prospectors head west?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
 

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Therapist: What brings you in today?
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.
Therapist: How bad is it?
Me: It comes in waves.
 

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Buxton Spring water out of her handbag and drinks it. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are".
 

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"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.

The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby who raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to the door.

"Not quite correct Bobby" the teacher said "so you don't get to leave early"

"You didn't say it had to be correct Miss...Just that someone had to answer"
 

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An insight into how my brain works.......

9998
 

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School reunion

Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your own age and thinking, "Surely I can’t look that old?" If so, read on.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her Diplomas proudly displayed on the wall, which showed her full name.

Suddenly, 1 remembered a tall pretty blonde with the same name who had been in my school class all those years ago. Could this be the same girl that I had a secret crush on, way back

Upon seeing her however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This grey-haired plump lady with the deeply lined face looked way too old to have been my classmate.

After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended Morgan Park Grammar School.

She replied “Yes. Before going to university”

"When did you leave Morgan Park?" I asked.

She answered, "It was 45 years ago. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

She looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, fat dentist asked me, "What subject did you teach?"
 

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only £10 for 12 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 12 cans of Stella and it's half the price."
 

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The HMRC tax Office rejected the Tax Return submitted by a man in Birmingham after he apparently answered one of the questions on the return form wrong.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?

The man wrote :-

"At least a million illegal immigrants,

1.3 million crackheads,

3.4 million unemployable scroungers,

90,000 criminals in 117 prisons

650 idiots in Parliament, 300 idlers in the Lords, thousands of 'retired’ politicians and an entire army of officials in local Government

The Tax Office stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable."

The man responded by asking them, "Who did I leave out?"
 
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