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We were so skint after Christmas that I agreed to let my wife to sell one of her kidneys.
If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports next.


Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"


Viagra is now available in powder form for your cup of tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.
 

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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm....

"I'd like to buy an horth" he says.

"What sort of horse?", asked the owner.

"A female horth,"

The owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyth? You'll have to lift me up"

The owner picks him up and shows him the eyes.

"Nith eyth', says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?"

The owner picks him up and shows the teeth.

"Nith teeth" he says "now can I see her twot?

The exasperated owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, waits awhile, then pulls him out and slams him back on his feet.

The dwarf shakes his head and says “Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?
 
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