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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.






The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."




The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.




"Yes?" said the Instructor.




"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"
 

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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean, well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits into the cannon.”
 

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An ex soldier goes to his local Council to apply for an office job.

Interviewer : "Are you allergic to anything?"

The guy : "Yes, caffeine."

Interviewer : "Have you previously worked in the public sector?"

The guy : "Yes, I was in the Army; spent two tours in Iraq."

Interviewer : "That will give you five extra points towards employment. Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy : "Yes. A mine exploded near me during my tour in Iraq and I lost both testicles and one leg below the knee.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to employ you immediately. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm but you can start tomorrow morning at 10.00am and continue at 10.00am every day."

The guy is very puzzled and asks, "If the hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm why do I start work at 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know".

The interviewer replies "I have to commend your reply. All YOU have to understand that this is a council job and for the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls ... so there's no point in you coming in for that."
 

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A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, chav, minger, woman wearing a
Rangers' top walked into Tesco in Douglas (a sprawling estate on Dundee 's
east-side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities all the way through the entrance.

The Tesco greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning madam, and welcome to
Tesco. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "F*ck naw, they're no
twins. The auldest wan's 9, and the ither wan's 7. Why the f*ck would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam." replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe
you've been sh*gged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at
Tesco."
 

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My Old Granny.

I took my old granny to a place where you put your feet into a tank of fish and they eat all the dead skin,
It cost me £35..... I found it was a lot cheaper than the cost of a funeral !!!!


Murphy.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


The Wife.

The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once.
She's still not home yet either and I'm getting hungry.
 

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A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.



« I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.



« A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.



« I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.



« Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.



« It’s weird being the same age as old people.



« When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.



« Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.



« It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.



« Marriage Counsellor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true ?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.



« I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.



« If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.



« I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.



« I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.



« I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.



« I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
 

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"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?". Asked the wife, enigmatically.

"No" I said.

She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a £20 note.
"Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?" she asked next.

"No" I said.

Again, a sexy smile, and she pulled a fifty from her knickers.
"Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" was the next question.

"No" I said, by this time very intrigued.

























"Well go and look in the garage."






The New Chief Samurai.
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the rising sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job. A Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills commanded the Emperor."

The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.

He drew his Samurai sword and swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly divided in two.

"What a feat said the Emperor."

"Number two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.

He drew his Samurai sword and swish, swish the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is exceptional skill" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that number three Samurai ?"

The Jewish Samurai, Obi-Wan Cohen stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing a fly, drew his Samurai sword and swoooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room but the fly was still buzzing around.

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "what kind of skill is that ? the fly isn't even dead."

"Dead" replied the Jewish Samurai, "dead is easy, circumcision, THAT takes skill."


The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.


My kids keep on taking the mickey out of my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little beggars wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.



Went to the Doc's today
I said "do you treat alcoholics"
He said "Of course we do?"
I said "Great get your coat on, I'm skint..."


Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread.
The birds were all over me.
 
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