[AlanHo]

This guy who was blind from birth had been given a new guide dog and was walking into town with his new Labrador.

He stopped at the traffic lights and while waiting for the signal to cross, his dog lifted it's leg and pee’d on his suede shoes and his trousers. He reached into his pocket and gave the dog a biscuit.

A man also waiting to cross said "That is surprising, your dog just pee’d on your leg and yet you kindly gave him a biscuit "

The blind man replied "Kindly nothing - I gave him a treat so that I know where the other end is and now I’m going to kick him right up the arse"

 

[AlanHo]

Today's Engineering Lesson

You may not initially understand this unless you have studied physics.

(But then, who really cares about the physics explanation)?

Here’s the math...

Here’s the graphic Illustration:

Here’s the most practical animated demonstration:

Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18 Show Content

And that's your Physics Lesson for Today...
There is no need to thank me for this thoughtful and educational information.

 

[Davidb123]

 

[Davidb123]

 

[Davidb123]

 

[AlanHo]

 

[Uvox2]

Ok guys.

Whereas we all enjoy a good joke, some of them are getting too sex orientated and to be honest too risqué.

Remember, we are a public open forum which is accessable to all.

Let's focus more on the jokes and less on the sex please everyone.

Paul

Admin

 

[AlanHo]

If you are already a fully trained and proficient chauvinist you may be tempted to not watch this to the end

If you do so - you will miss the point

 

[phil866]

 

[AlanHo]

Stevie Wonder on a worldwide tour and is playing his first gig in Tokyo. The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his front-row seat and shouts "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!" Although a little annoyed by this, being the professional that he is, Stevie dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. However, the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Stevie is now really pissed off that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK wise guy, you get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing "A jazz chord to say I ruv you…"

 

[Davidb123]

 

[Ceedy]

what are NASA up to?

 

[GTOldie]

 

[Radiorail]

A British general, an American general, and Russian General were discussing who had the toughest men.

The Russian general says, "Alright, I'll prove the Russian army has the toughest men in the world. Private, get over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The Russian general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The Russian general says, "See? That man has balls!"

The American general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The American private reports, "Yes, sir?".
The American general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the American private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The American general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"

The British General says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a Royal Marine high up on a tower, "Hey, Marine, jump off that tower!"
The Marine answers, "Excuse me, sah?"
The British General repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The Royal Marine replies, "Flap you, sir!"
The British General says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

 

[Radiorail]

I asked a kid to stop peeing in the pool.
He said, "Everyone pees in the pool."
I replied "Not from the diving board they don't!"

 

[Radiorail]

Nine medical tests men cane do for themselves;

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence.

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.​

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.​

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are dehydrated.​

If your stream didn’t reach the fence, you have a prostrate problem.​

If it is bright pink you have kidney problems.​

If you forgot to get your knob out and you pissed your pants, you have Alzheimer’s.​

If you missed the fence you have Parkinson’s.​

If your stream smells meaty, your cholesterol level is far too high.​

If you can’t smell your urine, you have Coronavirus.​

 

[Radiorail]

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?”
The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.
“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.

 

[Radiorail]

I was speaking to a bloke that got sentenced to five years in prison.
I asked him what he went in for. and he said "Because I made big money."

"It's not a crime to make big money" I commented?

"It is when it's about 10mm too big" he replied

 

[Radiorail]

And to end with a Dad joke guaranteed to not be understood by the young of today...

How do you start a pudding race? Sago

(I'll see myself out.....)

 

[phil866]

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.
I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila.
It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time in a quick pace.
He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?”
He replied.. "About £1.50".