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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the men settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Bob.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your real name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”
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When I took my first girlfriend home to meet my parents, she wasn’t given the warmest of welcomes

After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could do better than that son. She's the ugliest fat slobby pig I've ever seen! She must weigh 20 stone. She’s covered in spots, got lips like a cod, got a beard, is cross eyed, got a bald head, size 12 feet and she stinks!!"

I said "there's no need to whisper dad, she's deaf.
 

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A man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local Job Centre to pick up his benefit money.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. Double time will be paid for this service"

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,.............."You're bull-shittin' me right?”

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
 

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A young girl started work at the local pharmacy.

She was very nervous about the idea of having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on vacation for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She agreed but, before he left, she told him about her anxiety regarding the condoms.

"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used.”

The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350.” The girl panicked. She called the owner and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check, is he black with a yellow bucket hanging between his legs.”

She peeped through the door “Yes!" she said.

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner.”
 

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A man walks into his doctors for an appointment...

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it.

Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
 

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NEW ENTRIES IN THE OXFORD DICTIONARY



MONOGAMY : Celebration of New Year in Scotland by yourself

WINCE : A setting on Johnathon Ross’s washing machine

CONDOMINIUM : A birth control item made from metal

DICTATOR : A humorously shaped vegetable

TELEPATHY : When you can’t be bothered to change TV channels

PERVERSION : The cat’s side of the story

SUFFRAGETTE : Flying with Ryanair

EYELINER : A big ship made by Apple

GELATINE : A device for cutting the heads off jelly babies
 

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An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'
 

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Beer Contains Female Hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

It established that beer contains enough female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) that by drinking an excessive amount of beer, men will adopt female tendencies.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 10 pints of beer per day for a period of 28 days. It was then observed that 87% of the test subjects:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive properly – especially inability to parallel park.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
 
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