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874 Posts
Everyone Can Relate To A Few

Of The Following!



If, when one door closes and another
door opens, you are probably
in prison.
•••

To me, “drink responsibly” means
don’t spill it.
•••

When I say, “The other day,” I could
be referring to any time between
yesterday and 15 years ago.
•••

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
•••

Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
...

I remember being able to get up
without making sound effects.
•••

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
•••

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer,
it comes back as a Tupperware lid that
doesn’t fit any of your containers.
•••

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger
takes the seat next to you, just stare
straight ahead and say “Did you
bring the money?”
•••

When you ask me what I am doing
today, and I say “nothing,” it does
not mean I am free••• It means I
am doing nothing.
•••

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00
is the new midnight.
•••

I finally got eight hours of sleep.
It took me three days, but whatever.
•••

I run like the winded.
•••

I hate when a couple argues in public,
and I missed the beginning and don’t
know whose side I’m on.
•••

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why,
what did you hear?”
•••

I don’t remember much from last night,
but the fact that I needed sunglasses
to open the fridge this morning tells
me it was awesome.
•••

When you do squats, are your knees
supposed to sound like a goat
chewing on an aluminium can
stuffed with celery?
•••

I don’t mean to interrupt people.
I just randomly remember things
and get really excited.
•••

When I ask for directions, please don’t
use words like “east.”
•••

It’s the start of a brand-new day, and
I’m off like a herd of turtles.
•••

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes.
That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head.
That’ll freak you right out.
•••

That moment when you walk into a
spider web suddenly turns you into
a karate master.
•••

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes
into your life from nowhere, makes your
heart race, and changes you forever.
We call those people cops.
•••

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.​
 

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Paddy asked Mick “How did you get on at the Faith Healing group last night”

Mick replied “The faith Healer was absolute shite – even the two people in wheelchairs at the front got up and walked out”
 

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Not exactly a joke but: "Summing up the six-day inquest, Mr Williams said it was "glaringly obvious" a grill might be deliberately or accidentally used with the door closed and this issue should have been recognised by Arcelik, Beko's parent company, which manufactured the cookers." I think some should tell them to change the name of the parent company - Arcelik!
 

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What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it? An envelope.

My friend was sacked as a stage designer. He left without making a scene.

What does bread do on holiday? Loaf around.

Have you heard about the butter joke? Don’t spread it.

I spotted an albino dalmatian… It was the least I could do.
 

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French Covid requirement is to print off an official form & fill in reason when you go out in lockdown. Guardian report today that fines issued for these non-essential purposes:-
1. Scooter rider with "urgent blood delivery" written on topbox. Writing was in red lipstick, box actually contained cannabis, coke & cash.
2. Another guy's form said it was "to smash someone's face in".
Ok, fair enough, I suppose.

But the next ones?
3. To visit mistress, can't bear the wife.
4. Need to buy 3 lemons, essential to make the aperitif.
That's asking too much of any Frenchman, surely!!!
 

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Happy days, I remember my trip to the zoo last year and saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity



BBC News: The wife of the world's worst ventriloquist has given birth to their first child. They are both pleased to announce the arrival of a gouncing gagy goy



Amazing, I just met a Spanish magician on the way to Tesco's this morning.

He said "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos, ..."

And just like that...

he vanished without a tres.



My long distance cousin, when he died we didn't get the chance to say goodbye, which was sad as he drowned in a bowl of cheerio's …..



Finally: My daughter told me recently that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, I told her to tell her teacher 'No he didn't, he invented two telephones' School eh.
 
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