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In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than four foot tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."<div ="text_exposed_show"="" style="line-height: 14.35200023651123px;">"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Boxing Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of .."Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to Piss off."



Edited by: TerryB58
 

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A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.



A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says, "Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that he really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?"

How did the blond break her arm raking leaves?<br style="color: rgb85, 85, 85; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; letter-spacing: 0.4000000059604645px; line-height: 22.5px;">She fell out of the tree.

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

There was a blonde, brunet and a redhead they were on there way to heaven. God said, "I will give you 100 jokes; if you laugh you go to hell." The brunet laughed at the 10th joke and she went to hell. The redhead laughed at the 43rd joke and she went to hell. The blonde was at the 99th joke then she laughed. "WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE ALMOST TO HEAVEN ! WHY DID YOU LAUGH?", said god. Blonde said, "I just got the first joke."
 

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I've got a wonderful Satnav:

When I was passing a zoo it said ""Bear left""�.

When I drove past a beach it said ""Bare right""�.

When I pulled into a cemetery it said ""Dead End ahead, make a U turn as soon as possible""�.
 

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The only plumber in Glasgow to charge reasonable fees died and was sent to Hell by mistake. Eventually it was realised in Heaven that there was an honest Glaswegian plumber in the wrong place so Saint Peter telephoned (on the hot line) to Satan.<br style="line-height: 14.35200023651123px;">""Have you got an honest plumber there?""�<br style="line-height: 14.35200023651123px;">""Yes.""�<br style="line-height: 14.35200023651123px;">""He's ours, so can you send him up?""�<br style="line-height: 14.35200023651123px;">""You can't have him!""�
""Why not?""�
""Because he's the only one who understands air conditioning. It's really cool down here now.""�
""Send him up at once,""� shouted Saint Peter, ""or we'll sue.""�
""You'll sue?""� laughed the voice at the other end. ""And where will you get hold of a lawyer in Heaven?""�!!
 

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Something for the Computer geeks
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The Bagpiper - never be late for an appointment!

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Lochaber hinterlands.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 

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Woman Stops Grizzly Bear Attack With just a .25 Calibre Pistol !!!

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy
shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest calibre you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:



"Whilst out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace....It's the best pistol in my collection".
 

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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 
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