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Wife treats hubby by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday.
Doorman says "Good evening Dave – how’s tricks ?"

Wife asks "how does he know you"
Dave says "Er …I play footy with him".

Inside the barman says "usual Dave?"
Dave says to his wife "Before you say anything he’s on the darts team in our local pub".

Next a lap dancer approaches them and says "Hi Dave, do you want the special again"?

His wife storms out dragging Dave with her & jumps in a taxi.
The Driver says "Bloody ‘ell Dave, you've pulled a right minger this week".
 

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Just read about a chemist who froze himself to absolute zero, apparently he's 0K now
I admit I had to google it..., but I did see this one.
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" — and he died.
 

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An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
 

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A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."
 

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HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 
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