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I need some help and advice.

I have been informed that over the Christmas period if friends or relatives (such as your in-laws) come to your house, that the police can come and make them go home.

How do I pre-book this valuable service?
Evil
 

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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face
 

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A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!
 

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
 

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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen...


A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today...
Doctors have said that he should be ok but he’s not out of the woods yet...


German sausage jokes are the wurst.


How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water.....
If it sinks: Girl ant.
If it floats.....
 

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Paddy had been stepping out with Mary O Reilly for nearly a year and the pair of them were head over heels in love.
One day Paddy was walking up the high street and he got talking to Mary's brother "There's something I have to tell ye Cormac, yer sister is a smashing girl I don't tink I'd foind better anywhere. I've a mind to ask her to marry me this weekend!"
Cormac looked surprised and replied "OK Paddy but have ye seen me father?"
Paddy answered "I have Cormac and he's a fine figure of a man but if it's all the same I'd rather Mary!"
 

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Why did the clock get fat? It kept going for seconds.

What do horses vote for? A stable economy.

Why did the man turn up to a duel armed only with a pencil and paper? So he could draw his weapon.

What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers.

How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.
 

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Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?'

'I'll try!'

Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will!'
 
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