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My friend said to me the other day he didn’t understand cloning. I said “that makes two of us



Same person years ago told me that if you hold up a Shell, you can hear the sea.

I got 5 years for armed robbery.



How’s this for a magic trick........how do you change an orange into a pear? Add another orange



BBC news: A man's been attacked on a bus with a bar of chocolate..... Police say it was a double decker.



Finally: Hard to believe, I was round a friend’s house and through the hatch I saw him leaning over the saucepan and stirring the food with his head. I decided to walk in and said 'You will never get married acting like that'

He replied 'I know, I will always be a spatula'
 

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George Kerr a Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' George asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
George painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
George marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
 

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‘Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.’ Lewis Mumford
Who are the coolest people at the hospital? The ultra-sound guys.

‘It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.’ Gore Vidal
What should you do if your nose goes on strike? Picket.

‘The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else.’ Umberto Eco
I didn’t like my beard at first. But it’s growing on me.

‘You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.’ Al Capone
What sits in custard looking miserable? Apple grumble.

‘Love’s a disease. But curable.’ Rose Macaulay
My kids say I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well. They’re in for a shock.
 

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Fred and Mary got married.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
 

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I came home from work early to find my wife without any clothes on.

'What are you doing? I asked.

"Erm...I thought we could have a bit of fun", she replied. "Let's play naked hide and seek,"

'Your on!" I said stripping as I ran upstairs, 'I'll hide first!'


I went into our bedroom and opened the wardrobe door. My mate Dave was stood there in the nude
"'m really sorry" he said.

I replied "Don't worry Dave, I'll hide under the bed"
 

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It’s been alleged that I’ve written a series of tweets about the song “I’m Too Sexy”.
I’d like to reassure my followers that I did not write said thread...


I just bought a chicken proof lawn...
It's impeccable!

My son told me 'Dad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.'
I said 'That's Heinz sight for you....'

I was once attacked by a gang of mime artists...
They did unspeakable things to me.

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.
But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot...

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07.

I changed the tags of my mother's herb jars. She hasn't notice it yet..
But the thyme is cumin.
 

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(A mobile phone in the changing room at a gym rings and a man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only £2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Mercedes dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : £90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking £980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for £900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is...?”
 
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