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What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty.

I turned down a job today because the boss would only pay me in vegetables … The celery was unacceptable.

‘A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.’ Winston Churchill

What did the musical instrument say to the pancakes? B flat.

What knight never won a battle? Sir Render.

‘Know your lines and don’t bump into the furniture.’ Spencer Tracy

What did the tooth say to the dentist on leaving? Fill me in when you get back.
 

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Paddy's & Mary's marriage was not doing well, eventually Mary took herself off to consult a therapist, Doctor O'Reilly.
The Doctor spent an hour patiently asking all sorts of general questions about their marriage and ticking boxes on assessments.
He eventually started to probe her on the intimate side of things;

"Tell me Mary, how often during the average week do you have sex?"
"Well Doctor, it can vary but usually two or three times a week."
"That's very good Mary. When you're having sex how would you describe Paddy's expression?"
"It's not nice Doctor, not nice at all. He looks terrible angry."
"Ah that's very interesting Mary. Tell me, when you're having sex and Paddy has this angry expression what position would he normally be in?"
"Usually stood on top of the ladder Doctor looking in through the window ..
 

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Same Old Covid Story

'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.' Albert Einstein

'For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.' H L Mencken

‘A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.’ Winston Churchill
 

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Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
 

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
 
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