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A man sunbathes in the nude and burns his todger.

His doctor tells him to soak it in milk to ease the pain .

Later his blonde wife comes home to find him with his todger dangled in a glass of milk.

she remarks. "I've always wondered how you reload those things"
 

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‘People don’t actually read newspapers. They get into them every morning, like a hot bath.’ Marshall McLuhan
If you’re here for the yodelling lesson … please form an orderly, orderly queue!

‘When I am dead, I hope it may be said: “His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.’” Hillaire Belloc
What do you call an English fisherman? Angler Saxon.

‘Friendship is one of the most tangible things in a world which offers fewer and fewer supports.’ Kenneth Branagh
My new girlfriend works at the zoo. I think she’s a keeper…

Why do giraffes make bad pets? They’re too high maintenance.

‘To see the world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower. Hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour.’ William Blake
How do angels answer the phone? Halo.
 

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A snooty Englishman was on a fly-drive holiday in Australia , and one day he pulled into a small village in the middle of nowhere and strode into the local police office .

'' I wish to report an incident of gross public indecency '' He yelled .

'' Oh yeah , what's that then mate ? ''

'' I just saw a one legged man having sex with a dead kangaroo ''

'' A dead roo huh ? ''

'' YES ''

'' a one legged man huh ? ''

'' YES! ''

''yeah well be fair cobber, those roos move bloody fast you know . Ya can't expect a bloke with only one leg to catch a live one, can ya ? ''
 

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A German Audi driver called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."

This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).

But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

"Zat," replies the German, "is the Four-sprung Duck Technique."


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I've bought myself the new George Formby Antivirus for my PC.
It's very good at cleaning Windows.....

I asked the wife if she'd like a diamond necklace for her birthday.
She said "Nothing would make me happier!"
So I got her Nothing instead...........

We were so poor I remember my mum sending me round to the neighbour's with a button and asking her to "Please sew a shirt on that"...
 
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