A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his fecking widow..."
A young bloke was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna w**k?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."
Two blokes are in hospital,laid in beds waiting to go into theatre One says to the other "What you in for"? The other replies "Endoscopy" "What's that then"? the first bloke asks. "They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for"? replies the second bloke. "Camera up my jacksy" says the first bloke. "Do you mean a Colonoscopy"? says the second bloke "Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden ..
The wife tied me to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, I could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of me.
She knelt on the bed, between my thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
"My glasses, please." I gulped ..
Dear Mrs. Murry,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras.
MEMO Re: Complaints
15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!
And; last, but not least!
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"