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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the New York Times winner was:

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his fecking widow..."
 

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‘I’m tired of love; I’m still more tired of rhyme. But money gives me pleasure all the time.’ Hilaire Belloc

What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor.

‘The war between the sexes is the only one in which both sides regularly sleep with the enemy.’ Quentin Crisp

When is the best time to buy a canary? When it’s going cheap.

Which cheese should you use to coax a bear down from a tree? Camembert.

Did you hear about the two radio engineers who got married? The reception was fantastic.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? ‘Can you smell carrots?’
 

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A young bloke was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna w**k?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."
 

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Two blokes are in hospital,laid in beds waiting to go into theatre One says to the other "What you in for"? The other replies "Endoscopy" "What's that then"? the first bloke asks. "They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for"? replies the second bloke. "Camera up my jacksy" says the first bloke. "Do you mean a Colonoscopy"? says the second bloke "Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden ..
 

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STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM.

Should have received 100% !
Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct - and also funny.

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
*Liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
*Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
*Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch or dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
*Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand
and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,
how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
 

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The wife tied me to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, I could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of me.

She knelt on the bed, between my thighs and said

"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"

"My glasses, please." I gulped ..



Dear Mrs. Murry,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras.
MEMO Re: Complaints
15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!
And; last, but not least!
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
 
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