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An old lady brings her dog to the vet as it seems to be having problems with its hearing.
The vet cleans the dog"s ears and advises her to use hair removal cream on the dog"s ears once a month as a means to reduce build-up and avoid the problem.
The old lady leaves the vet and heads straight to the pharmacist to buy hair removal cream.
The pharmacist says "If you"re using it on your legs, wear a dress for a couple of days to avoid any irritation. If you"re using it on your arm pits, wear a singlet for a couple of days to avoid any irritation. By the way, where are you using the cream?"
"On my schnauser," says the old lady.The pharmacist replies "In that case, I"d avoid riding a bike for the next week."
 

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Sir Philip Green apparently spent £500,000 trying to gag his employees.

What an idiot. Brenda down the local brothel does gagging for £30


My wife has put a bit of weight on, she's tried every kind of diet and does exercise from time to time, but in the end she just hasn't got the will power .

So we went to hospital to see a the consultant, he suggested she try having her stomach stapled .
He explained the procedure and saw the worried look on my face .
He said "dont worry sir it's quite routine these days, I assure you your wife is in safe hands".

I said "it's not that, I was hoping you were going to staple her ****ing mouth shut"
 

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I walked in the bedroom and caught my girlfriend flicking the old bean, hand in pants going 10 to the dozen. Flustered, she looked up smiling at me and said “ would you like to finish me off?”

I just hope that my response will stand up in court as an alibi.
 

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Women are so full of double standards it's not true.
This morning the wife said "I had the strangest dream about you last night"
and then told me all about it .
I said "thats uncanny I dreamt exactly the same thing".
Now she's not talking to me ..
Ok for her to dream it, but not me ..

Anyway she dreamt I was s***ging her sister .
 

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What are you doing on that laptop?" asked my wife.
"How does Turkey this year sound," I smiled, "Me, you and the two kids, what do you say?"
"When?" she asked.
"Christmas time," I replied.
"It sounds amazing, but we can't afford it," she asked with a quiver in her voice.
"Yes we can," I replied, "Tesco are doing a big one for £12.99 if we pre-order it now."
 

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I took my father-in-law out for a pub lunch last week,he came out of the gents covered in pee.
What happened Dad,you ok? I enquired.
It's these bloody bi-focals he replied I can't get used to 'em I tried shaking the pee off what I thought was my c0ck and that's where the problem started.
 
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