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The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale,
near Richmond.

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red suspender belt, a pink
G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a 'Corbyn for Prime
Minister' T-shirt.
He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Corbyn T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary
embarrassment.
Despite what we sometimes hear, obviously, the police do care !
 

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Got offered sex today, with a 21yr old lady. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on twitter

I declined cause I've high moral standards & strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon. 😁
 

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A mean looking gunslinger ties his horse up outside the saloon.
"Whiskey" he says to the barman.
The barman serves him a whiskey and the gunslinger walks out only to find his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the saloon and orders another whiskey.
Sipping it, he announces to the crowd, "I'm going back outside now and if my horse hasn't been returned the same thing is going to happen in this town as happened in Tombstone last week."
He finishes his drink and goes back outside to find his horse tied up where he left it.
He gets on his horse and an old timer sitting on the the step say's "Exactly what DID happen in Tombstone last week?"
The gunslinger gives him a dirty look and says, "I had to walk home."
 

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What do you call a litigious cook? A sous chef.

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer. He’s had nothing to chauffeur all that time.

People ask me why I collect shovels…It’s because they are such a ground breaking invention.

‘I’m in a same-sex marriage…the sex is always the same.’

What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
 

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My wife and I went to a disgusting pub this weekend called "The Fiddle"

It really was a vile inn
 

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I wonder how the afflicted person gave a sample for testing:

7763
 

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Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.
He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principal walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principal asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I’m outside in the fresh air."
 

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A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't think those pills helped at all, and worse now everything stinks to high heavens!"

"Good!" he says. "We've unplugged your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."
 

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Sod them I want.. :p


And now my joke..


Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewellery Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
 
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