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I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
She replied 'No,we have a problem,were a couple,were married,were a unit,
your problem is my problem were in this together.'
Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'
 

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A blind man enters a "Lady's Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's fair that because you're blind, you should know these five things. One, the bartender is a blonde girl. Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl. Three, I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Five, the woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now seriously, mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

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John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. WHO let the dogs out.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 people jumped clear.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason. Details are sketchy.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.

Whatever you do, always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
 

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What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? Irrelephant

Did you hear about the man whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

What did the farmer use to mend his trouser? Cabbage patches.

Where are average things made? In the satisfactory.

What is the best way for a pet shop to get business? Word of mouse.
 

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Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
 

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
 

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A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said "Can you please help me, i don"t know what hole i"m on".She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 7; and you are on 6".He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again "I"m sorry to bother you but i"m lost again, can you please tell me what hole i"m on. She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 14; and you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. "I""m in sales". He replied "No kidding so am i, what do you sell?".She said its too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she"d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off.She said "You promised you wouldn"t laugh".He replied "I"m sorry, but i couldn"t fucking help it. " I sell toilet paper,I"m still one hole behind you"
 
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