I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
She replied 'No,we have a problem,were a couple,were married,were a unit,
your problem is my problem were in this together.'
Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'
A blind man enters a "Lady's Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's fair that because you're blind, you should know these five things. One, the bartender is a blonde girl. Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl. Three, I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. Four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Five, the woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now seriously, mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said "Can you please help me, i don"t know what hole i"m on".She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 7; and you are on 6".He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again "I"m sorry to bother you but i"m lost again, can you please tell me what hole i"m on. She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 14; and you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. "I""m in sales". He replied "No kidding so am i, what do you sell?".She said its too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she"d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off.She said "You promised you wouldn"t laugh".He replied "I"m sorry, but i couldn"t fucking help it. " I sell toilet paper,I"m still one hole behind you"