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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy...........
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"
 

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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
 

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My 11 year old came home from his first day at senior school “ how did it go son I asked” “ well dad it was great but the older boys kept calling another boy a wanker, what’s a wanker dad?” So there’s me sitting there thinking how am I going to explain this one and I couldn’t believe my luck Jeremy Corbyn sudden came on the tv to save the day.
 

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Some old, some out-of-date!

Why do ship-builders have such high job satisfaction? Their work is truly riveting.

What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish truck.

What did the grape say when crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? There, they’re, their.

What should you do with a blue whale? Try to cheer it up.
 

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This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK, wonder what the 2020 book says!!

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate
intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite
sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time
face and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea when he awakes.
 

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Lock down update
I took my son out for his first pint since lock down. Got him a Fosters
He didn't like it, so l drank it. Then got him a Carlsberg, he didn't like it, l had it
It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the
Whisky l could hardly push the pram.....
 
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