Lock down update
A word of warning. DO Not let supermarket staff take you temperature
by scanning your forehead, it actually erases your memory.
I went into Tesco, s for lettuce,cucumber and tomatoes
and ended up buying beer, wine and whisky.
A French and English Gynaecologist were walking through a park oneday on a lunch break from their conference, the Frenchman said “ do you know I had a woman come into my clinic the other day that had a clitoris like a melon“ “ oh the poor woman however did she walk “ said the Englishman, “ oh you English and your sense of humour “ said the Frenchman “ I was referring to the flavour not the size”
The old man handed his bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £250".
The teller told him, “For withdrawals less than £300, please use the ATM.”
The old man wanted to know why ...
The teller returned his bank card and irritably told him, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”
The old man remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told him, “My apologies Sir, you have £35 million in your account and our bank doesn't have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old man then asked how much he could withdraw immediately.
The teller told him any amount up to £250,000.
"Well, please let me have £250,000 now", he requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.
The old man put £250 in his bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of £249,750 back into his account.
💐Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
An old RAF Pilot sat down in the bar, still wearing his old flight jacket and ordered a beer.
As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot"?
“Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first basic RAF trainers, then then the Folland Gnat jet trainer before I moved to an operational squadron and flew supersonic Lightning fighters.
During that time I was seconded to the newly formed Red Arrows and spent 3 years flying with them at UK air shows and other events – some being abroad to wave the flag.
I then moved to a Hawker Harrier squadron and after 3 years there, we were sent out to the Falklands war where I shot down three Argentine planes.
When I retired from the RAF, I got a job flying private jets and had many politicians and celebrities as passengers before I retired from flying.
Hence, I guess I am a pilot and always think of the wonderful flying experiences I enjoyed. So that’s my story – what are you?”
“I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
'It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian.'
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her frickin mother.
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the f*k r off.