Kia Owners Club Forum banner

5481 - 5500 of 5545 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,291 Posts
A Yorkshire Dale farmer was walking through his fields one morning when he saw a man drinking from a stream.

He shouted out to the man - 'I wouldn't drink from there mate - it's full of hoss piss and cow shite'.

The man shouts back - 'I'm from London - with your accent I can't tell a word you say!'

The farmer says very loudly and clearly - 'I SAID - IF YOU USE BOTH HANDS YOU WON'T SPILL AS MUCH!'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
Met this kinky bird last night at the fetish club, she took me back to her place. She had me blind folded spreadeagled face down tied to the bed. She said I will be back in a few minutes. I felt a pat on the a*se, she removes the blindfold and is stood there wearing a huge strap on. She said "have you ever been screwed up the ar*e by a woman?" I yelled, "yes I have, by you, just now!" She said "oh sh*t sorry, that must have been my dad".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
I was visiting my cousin Dai in the Rhondda and we went out to his local for a few pints. After we’d arrived a short, grossly misshapen man hobbled in. He was the ugliest person I've ever laid eyes on, he looked like he'd gone twelve rounds with Tyson, yet the moment he walked through the door he was mobbed, all the other men leapt to their feet and ran over to shake his hand, helped him across to his table, a dozen pints were laid out before him, Dai shouted across "Alright Ianto?" The strange looking man smiled and waved back. Dai whispered to me "Bloody hero of the Rhondda that man is, saved the lives of hundreds of men, saved my life! Forty years ago we were working a shift in the drift mine and the roof started to collapse, that man held up the girder that kept the roof up just long enough for everyone to get out. That's why he's so short see, the weight of the roof crushed his spine." I replied "Wow that's impressive, I can see why he's so popular! I don't want to sound insensitive but why is he so ugly? Looks like he's taken a real beating." Dai replied nonchalantly "Well he wasn't too keen about propping that joist up so we had to knock him into place with a pit hammer!

7462
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
Woman walks past pet shop and sees advert "clitoris licking frog £50"
she goes inside and asks about the frog
pet shop owner says "Bonjour"

7470



English bloke gets a job as a lumberjack in Canada, out in the middle of nowhere. First night in the log cabin, he hears this quiet popping noise - glip, glip - every now and again. Realising eventually that it’s his new Canadian pals breaking wind, he’s not impressed, “I’ll show them a true British fart,” he thinks to himself and lets go a window-shaking, bear-scaring riproarer. At which point, the light flicks on and the world’s biggest, baddest, hairiest lumberjack bellows: “Stay back, boys - this virgin’s mine.”
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
3,283 Posts
Why did the crab blush? Because the seaweed.

Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally.

My friend David has lost his ID. Now I just call him Dav.

How do you tell a kebab to be quiet? Shhh, kebab.

Why did the tap dancer have to retire? He kept falling in the sink.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
Got some strange looks in ASDA today, whilst donning my mask and shouting GAS GAS GAS !!..(Probably only HM forces folk will understand)
people complain about wearing a thin paper mask for 10 minutes. Try running around in full NBC suit and gas mask during a Taceval! (you will know what I mean)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner


A little known fact about Toy Story.
Andy's Mum ALSO had two toys called Buzz and Woody....
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
101 Posts
Apparently, they're not making shortbread any longer....

I took my new girlfriend out for a meal last night. We had only been sitting at our table for five minutes, when she started playing footsie under the table.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had a nice rump steak and she got toed in the hole.
 
5481 - 5500 of 5545 Posts
Top