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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter,
ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband
and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech all the men started clapping...
 

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A husband and wife are playing golf when the wife said to her husband, "If I died, would you remarry?"

The husband said that he probably would. "So she would live in our house with you, and sleep in our bed?"

The husband replied that yes, that's probably how it would be. "And would she use my golf clubs?"


"No, she's left handed"
 

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I was waiting in line outside B&Q yesterday when a mate called and asked how big the queue was? I said ‘the same size as the B’.

I was in north London the other day and a bloke in a car asked me if there was a B&Q in Tottenham. I told him “no, but there’s three T’s and and an M”.

A friend of mine asked me where I got my jeans from the other day and I said Guess and he said Top Shop?

My wife was hassling me to measure the lounge for new carpet and I said I was waiting for a tape measure to be delivered. She said, "How long is it going to be?" I said, "About five metres"
 

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Why should you never tell a joke standing on ice? Because it might crack up.

Why did the dinosaur go on a diet? He was too big for his scales.

Why did the girl keep a slice of bread in her comic? She liked crummy jokes.

Have you heard about the prawn who went to a disco? He pulled a mussel.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
 

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I've just won a competition as the 'Most secretive person 2019 award.'

I can't tell you how much it means to me.



Strange just had an e mail that I thought that was about gammon, but it turned out to be spam.



Have you heard the sad news of the short sighted musician, apparently yesterday he fell over a clef!


So annoying, yesterday I was trying to help my daughter out with her online English homework but I could not find my thesaurus. I just don't have the words to describe how upset I was.



Finally later today I'm off to B&Q...I'll get me undercoat
 

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it ........ pull myself together
 
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