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What did the judge ask the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

Have you heard about the new broom that’s just come out? It’s sweeping the nation.

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons. He denied it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

What’s wrong with the man with jelly in one ear — and sponge cake and custard in the other? He’s a trifle deaf.

Why can’t you play cards in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs.
 

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head."
 

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They say you can’t fix stupidity. Turns out you can’t quarantine it either.

People keep asking, “Is Corona Virus really that serious?”
Listen up! Churches and Casinos are closed.
When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious.

Take smug comfort in the fact that all the parents who never taught their kids respect and good behaviour are now stuck at home with them.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required.

Cops these days will soon be shouting…”Come out with your hands washed!”

Day 70 of quarantine…ate all the snacks and food…clothes no longer fit… but I’m still wearing gloves and a mask for my protection.

Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth!

Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but staying home on the couch can do for your country.

The police have confronted nudist sunbathers over not wearing face masks amid Corona Virus outbreak.

The advantage of dating older people is that they can get you into the grocery store early.

I don’t like the fact that my chances of survival seem to be linked to the common sense of others.

With so many sporting events cancelled, they’re having to televise the World Origami Championship…It’s on Paperview.

Everyone is posting memes and talking about coming out of this quarantine with a new skill or side hustle.
I’m just sitting here wondering how I never noticed there’s a turd in Saturday.

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late for anything for the past 10 weeks!

It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for the past 10 weeks. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong over the past ten years.

Have you noticed that since beauty salons are closed, selfies are down 68%?

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent coronavirus, but to stop eating.
 

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
 

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A man decided to take the day off and go golfing

He really enjoyed his day and lost track of time, only realising how late it was when the sun started setting at 8 PM. He was still dirty from golfing but decided he'd better get straight home.

He rushed home as fast as he could, but his wife was very upset.

"Sorry honey, I was out golfing all day and lost track of time."

His wife looked him up and down and said "I'm leaving you!"

He was shocked and asked, "why would you leave me over being late one time because I was golfing?"

"How stupid do you think I am!" She shouted, "I've just read the Kia Owners Club Jokes page and I know you were sleeping with your secretary!"
 

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I’ve just been to try the new Fleetwood McDonalds restaurant near me. They sell you fries, sell you sweet little fries.



Talking of food I heard a new restaurant will open late summer called "Peace and Quiet".

Apparently Kid's meals are £250!!



A man just knocked on my door with a beard, but I didn't hear him.....



Anyway, just downloaded a new app that identifies tree resins

It’s called Whats sap
 
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