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Finding a woman sobbing that she'd locked her keys in her car, a passing Australian soldier assures her he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Like magic, it opens!
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy" replied the soldier. "These are me khakis!"
 

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterwards, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied,
“Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of the expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said:
“Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said,
“Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read,
“Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without.”
 

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Little Sally came from from school with a big smile on her face.

"Why are you so happy" mum asked,

"Well Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at playtime"

Before mum could muster up an appropriate comment Sally continued with "..and it reminded me of a peanut"

Mum, taken aback, commented "Really small was it?"

"No, but it was really salty"
 

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Which bird is always out of breath? A puffin.

Where do frogs keep their savings? In the river bank.

Why can’t two elephants go swimming? They only have one pair of trunks.

Where do generals keep their armies? Up their sleevies.

How did the guitarist leave the band? On a sour note.
 

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She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmancy; what on earth would I wear?

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2025, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
 
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