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Yesterday afternoon I fell over in the paint aisle at B&Q . I was overcome with emulsion.



I just heard my neighbour got sacked from the Ro al Ma l for stealing letters.



Last week in the sunshine, my old friend returned from his exercise and he told me that he and his brother just cycled across the park in the heat with their legs exposed. I said 'Tandem?' He replied ' We certainly did!'



I had a dream last night that someone was saying 'On your marks. Get set... Go!' I woke up with such a start..



Finally: For those that know me, I’m not a competitive person… I’ll be the first to admit it.
 

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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ................your mother is going to be living with you and your wife...."
 

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A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when the other students and teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go buy yourself a train too”!
 

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This is from my 78 yr old uncle who lives in NZ but went to visit his daughter in Aus for a week just before the covid19 struck. He spent 2 months in Aus before being allowed back to NZ where he spent another 2 weeks in quarantine in a hotel room. He managed to get home to Orewa yesterday.

From the Greenies (Royal Navy Electrical Branch) Association

NOW THAT I AM OLDER, I HAVE DISCOVERED:

I started with nothing and still have most of it left.
My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
Some days you’re the top dog, others you are the lamp post.
Kids in the back-seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back-seat cause kids.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something, and I wonder what am I “here after”.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
 

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A man tries to get into a night club. The bouncer says 'You can’t come in here without a tie'

The man goes back to his car and ties some jump leads around his neck and goes back to the night club.

The bouncer says 'Okay you can go in, but don’t start anything'
 

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A boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls alongside.
"If you get in," the driver says, "I’ll give you £10."
The boy refuses and keeps walking.
A bit further along, the man again pulls over. "Okay," he says. "How about £20 and a packet of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to piss off and carries on walking. Still further up the road, the man again pulls to the curb.
"Right," he says. "This is my final offer; I’ll give you £50 and all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops walking, goes towards the car, and leans in.
"Look, Dad" he hisses, "You bought the f---ing Skoda, and you’ll have to live with it."



52
 

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What do you call a cat eating a lemon? Sour puss.

I’ve had a fan installed inside my head. It’s blowing my mind.

Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe? A little goes a long way.

What is a fake stone called in Ireland? A shamrock.

What do jelly babies wear in the rain? Gum boots.
 

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Son: "Dad, I have to write an essay for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son?

Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is covered in S H One T."
 
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