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I feel bad about posting these but I reckon you lot can take them.....

My mate Pete told me that he was walking past a pet shop in the area when he saw a sign that read,
"Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale."
Pete didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so he phoned the shop and asked the assistant...............................
“How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”

I was going to post a pun about carpentry, but I don't think it wood work.

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

I need to cure my constant sightings of ghosts so I’m going into hospital for an apparition.

Very early on in my exercise walk I saw 3 guys walking their dogs and I asked for their names. They were Mr Pecan, Mr Pistachio and Mr Cashew. I said 'What are you, nuts?'

Finally: My eldest daughter told me she needs my help getting over her addiction to ABBA music. I said “Does your mother know?’
 

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Some more dreadful jokes to lighten your day (or not).....


Just read in the paper that David Hasselhoff has told his agent in future I only want to be known as Hoff.

His agent said 'okay, no Hassel.'


I also read my bank says it offers ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but sadly I don’t have that much time.



Dinner last night, do you ever get to the point when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was?'



Unfortunately my horse Toto couldn't race today.
I left his reins down in Africa



Finally, Did you know: The most disapproving of the Pharaohs was King Tut.....
 

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There will be a vote in the House of Commons today on whether or not the 'UK Gurning Championships' will be allowed to take place during lockdown...

Eyes to the right and nose to the left...
 

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If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG (BA) one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock thirteen years ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at a supermarket, drank all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British
 

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What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows.

What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck? A centipede with verrucas.

What did one earthquake say to the other? It’s not my fault!

What do you call a snowman in May? A puddle.

What do you get when you cross a magician with a camera? Hocus focus.
 
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