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Just imagine if in 2010 you had met up with Doctor Who just after he had travelled in the Tardis to the year 2020 and back.

You ask him what it is going to be like in 2020.

Doctor Who explained it thus :-

I don’t have much time to explain – I have an appointment in 1836 so I will give you a potted version

The year 2020 is going to be nothing short of an absolute shit show.

You know Donald Trump, the star of the Apprentice TV show – well, he’s the President of the USA running the Country via Twitter and spouting rabble rousing bluff and bluster. He gets into a Twitter beef with Iran that almost starts world war 3.

The UK, having wasted 3 years after a referendum to leave the EU – finally gets out under the leadership of a New Tory PM who wins a landslide election victory over a bunch of Trotskyist losers who were led by a scruffy communist. You might remember he once had a thick as a plank, fat black mistress who by then was a member of the loony labour shadow government where she was able to demonstrate her maths skills. The new Tory PM is a charismatic overweight lothario with yet another mistress – the first to reside in No 10.

The UK judicial system is a mess and weak on crime. People have lost faith in the police who no longer see it as their job to arrest criminals and spend most of their time on non PC stuff, trans-gender matters and hiding behind their computers. Criminals are given more consideration than their victims.

Australia catches fire and to cap it all some idiot in China eats a raw bat which starts a killer virus global pandemic which kills millions including most people’s grandparents. Everyone loses their minds, 40% of the people think it’s the end of the World, 40% argue it’s all a fake and the remainder blame it on 5G mobile phone systems and run rampant setting fire to phone masts.

The one thing everyone seems to agree on is that the only way to survive is by hoarding toilet paper. Andrex ultra soft damn near becomes the UK’s official currency.

Grocery supermarkets are raided and panic hoarding clears the shelves which adds to the panic.

Eventually, as hysteria grows, World Governments are forced to shut the whole planet down and lock everyone in their houses.

I’m not sure what happened after that - even I panicked, jumped into the Tardis and high tailed it back to 2010.
 

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No truer words than
The UK, having wasted 3 years after a referendum to leave the EU – finally gets out under the leadership of a New Tory PM who wins a landslide election victory over a bunch of Trotskyist losers who were led by a scruffy communist. You might remember he once had a thick as a plank, fat black mistress who by then was a member of the loony labour shadow government where she was able to demonstrate her maths skills. The new Tory PM is a charismatic overweight lothario with yet another mistress – the first to reside in No 10.
 

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With apologies.....

Due to security on Saturday I changed my Facebook password to '14 days' but it said it was 'Too weak'.

Then I thought to myself, as you do, not seen many jokes for some time about kettles..they must've gone off the boil.

Sunday, on my exercise walk , I heard a woman singing ''Do..Re..Me...
I thought she'll go Far.

Finally this morning, reading through the papers I see the debate on moving staircases is escalating....
 

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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Bible.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start ".
 

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A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
 

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Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices his colleague is wearing an
earring. The man knows his colleague to be a normally conservative fellow
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
 

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I never wanted to believe that my Uncle was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I went to his house, all the signs were there ...

Annoying, I sent my hearing aid off for repair three weeks ago. I've heard nothing since.

So this bloke said to me over the phone, he said 'As a young boy was your mother very strict with you?'
I replied 'Let me make one thing absolutely clear, my mother was never a young boy!

Lunchtime yesterday and I was waiting in a long queue in Tesco's and the chap in front asked for 20 pots of Tipp-Ex . . . I thought 'Big mistake'..

Have you heard about the Alphabet Grenade?
Apparently if it goes off it could spell disaster!!
 

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Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

One-armed butlers — they can take it but they can’t dish it out.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A boomer-wrong.

Why were Adam and Eve the happiest couple that ever lived? They had no in-laws!
 

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Sir Richard Branson, speaking from Necker Island (his Caribbean private island paradise) warned that airline Virgin Atlantic will need government support in order to survive.

Virgin Australia went into administration 3 days ago leaving debts of about $6.8 billion and it is feared that Virgin Atlantic is also on the brink.

In response, the Treasury have offered Sir Richard, who is reputed to have a personal wealth of £280 billions, a refund amounting to the total sum of taxes he has paid to the Treasury over the past 14 years.

Chancellor Rishi Sunak described it as an ‘unprecedented offer but said that it will be extended only to firms with similar financial circumstances and tax histories.

Asked how much the offer to Branson would cost the UK taxpayer, Mt Sunak said that the Treasury had yet to calculate it exactly, but believes it to be in the region of bugger-all.
 
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