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A plane with 5 passengers on board, Vladimir Putin, the Pope, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, and a ten year old schoolboy is about to crash but there are only 4 parachutes.

Putin grabs one, and say's "I am the only person who can maintain world peace" and jumps out. The Pope says "I need one as I have to sort out the sins of the Catholic Church".

Trump grabs the third 'chute saying "I am the smartest American, the only person who can make America great again and with Vladimir Putin maintain World peace.

There is now only one parachute left. Boris Johnson looks to the boy and says "You can have the last parachute, I delivered BREXIT, and I've lived my life to the full, yours is only starting."

The boy looks to Boris and says "Don't worry, there are two parachutes left, the smartest American took my school bag"
 

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BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA The doctor that had been seeing an
80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired At her next
checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines
that had been prescribed for Her. As The young doctor was looking
through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a
prescription for birth control Pills.. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize
these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at
night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in
These that that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out
and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But
every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice
that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . . And believe me, it
definitely helps me sleep at night."

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby
wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll
have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes
later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.
Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes
later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I
was supposed to get off four stops ago!
 

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BIOLOGY EXAM: This is straight from Scotland . Students in an advanced Biology class
were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven
advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or
none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of
seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for
the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always
available as needed.And then the student was stuck. Finally, in
desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test,
he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.He got an A +

WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his
bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But
grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna
da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a
home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a
home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you
gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
 

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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time.

Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn and dig over the vegetable patch."
 

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Out of boredom I’ve been product testing kitchen blenders in my kitchen over the last week. Results have been mixed!



As for boredom, I've reached the age when my back goes out more than I do.



Finally for today, my New Years resolution for 2020 was to be more assertive, hope that was okay with you guys?
 
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