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Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "How can I fix this? What do I do to make America great again?"
Washington replied "Never tell a lie."
"I never lie. Go away."
Two days lster he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"
"Listen to all the people." replied Jefferson.
"I know what I'm doing. I only listen to the best people only the best ones." Donald retorted.
Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
"Hey, Abe, you are my last chance, how do I fix this? What do I do to make America great again?"
Abraham thought for a while and said;



"Go see a play."
 

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Madoobri, Shaun of the Dead, one of my fave films and perfect for the current crisis!! :eek:
 

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So there I was waiting for my flight when this woman made an announcement. “I’m sorry to say that your flight has been delayed by 4 hours because the pilot heard a funny noise in the engine”
So I shouted back “how do you know it will be a 4 hour delay”
and she replied “well sir it will take us that long to find a pilot who can’t hear that noise”.
 

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

Why couldn’t the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C.

I’ve packed in my deep-sea diving training. I’m no good under pressure.

I hate that shopping centres are all the same… You’ve seen one, you’ve seen a mall.

Why did the bacon laugh? Because the egg cracked a yolk.
 

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An associate of Trump's - a golfing buddy - told him he'd had
this fantastic dream the other night: There was a humongous
parade in Washington celebrating Trump.

Perhaps millions lined the parade route cheering when Donald went past. It was the biggest
celebration Washington, perhaps any city, had ever seen.

Donald was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The
best! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair OK?"

His friend replied... "I couldn't tell as the casket was closed".

Paul
 

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich:

The barman looks at him and says. "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working." Replies the duck.

"And you can talk." Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too." Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that.” Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road." Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him. "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous." Says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says. "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job." Says the duck.
"Where is it?"

"At the circus." Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right." Replies the barman.

The duck asks again. "with the big tent?"

“Yeah." The barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" Says the duck.

"Of course." The barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" Persists the duck.

"That's right!" Says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement and says.
.
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?”
 

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
 
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