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Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.



I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous,
almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.



It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts
and a light top which was wide open.



She glanced at the beer,
bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top
she said, in a sexy voice,
"I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow.
Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer you got?"

THE ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE
 

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"
 

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Husband's Text Message:

""Honey, a car hit me when I was out of the office. Paula took me to the hospital.They're doing tests and X-rays. I had a blow to my head, very hard, fortunately it did not cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in my left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response:"Who's Paula?"
 

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of wild bulls? The lawyer charges more.

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of Tarmac under his arm and says: ‘Pint please, and one for the road.’

What bird can lift the most weight? A crane.
 
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