1 When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2 To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3 When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
4 Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
5 Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
6 I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
7 I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
8 Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
9 If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
10. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
11. Age 70 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning, I don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
17. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
18. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
19. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
20. It’s the start of a brand-new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
21. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
22. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
23. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
24. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
25. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.