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Super Moderator
3,283 Posts
An old woman prospector walked up and tied her old Mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No,... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toe blown off - started hopping around.
Everybody was laughing.

When his Last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's arse?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am... But I've always wanted to.

There are lessons here for all of us:

1 - never be arrogant.

2 - don't waste ammunition.

3 - whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

204 Posts
Just saying'
1 When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2 To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3 When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
4 Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
5 Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
6 I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
7 I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
8 Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
9 If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
10. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
11. Age 70 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning, I don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
17. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
18. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
19. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
20. It’s the start of a brand-new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
21. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
22. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
23. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
24. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
25. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

410 Posts
As this is an automotive forum the following is appropriate;-)

How many forum members does it take to change a spark plug?
  • 1 to ask how to change a spark plug
  • 1 to give detailed instructions for changing a spark plug
  • original 1 to post that spark plug has now been changed.
  • 14 to share similar experiences of changing spark plugs and how the spark plug could have been changed differently.
  • 7 to caution about the dangers of untrained people changing spark plugs.
  • 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing spark plugs.
  • 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that a "spark plug" is an electrical device threaded into the cylinder of an internal-combustion engine to ignite the fuel mixture by producing timed sparks between electrodes and should only be changed by qualified auto mechanics or you will void any warranty and trash your engine.
  • 2 to post that this thread is not about spark plugs and to please take this discussion to a spark plug thread.
  • 27 to defend the posting to this thread saying that we all use spark plugs and therefore the posts are relevant to this thread.
  • 16 to debate which method of changing spark plugs is superior, where to buy the best spark plugs, what brand of spark plugs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
  • 4 to post URL's where one can see examples of different spark plugs.
  • 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the spark plug controversy.
  • 4 to suggest that posters request the spark plugs FAQ.
  • 16 to post "F".
  • 44 to ask what is a "F"?
  • 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
  • 3 to say "do a Google search on spark plugs before posting questions about spark plugs".
And finally 1 forum lurker to resurrect the original post, in 6 months time, start it all over again....and 1 original poster to never venture into the forum after their second post.

Super Moderator
3,283 Posts
And they've brought back Crackerjack too!

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.

What do you call a woman with a tortoise on her head? Shelley.

Robbers went to a stationery store yesterday and stole 1000 blunt pencils. Police say the crime was pointless.

What happened to the number of wrinkled shirts after the iron was invented? It decreased.

My friend says I just forward emails on without reading them properly. I resent that.

2,182 Posts
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

410 Posts
George his wife, and obligatory mother-in-law, were on a family holiday in Israel. While they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law suddenly died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the British Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the UK for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the UK for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as £50,000.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost £1500.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, It's not that", said George. "Israel has the world's highest incidence of resurrection. I can't take the chance."
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