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Bob was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 150 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday
 

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I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend;
“I'm stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “
He said “Marooned”
I replied “Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager then !”
 

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More crackers!

My friend got sick from drinking tap water. I sent him a 'Get well soon' card

There was a power cut in our neighbourhood last night... we were delighted.

How do you make a bandstand? Take their chairs away.

I have a fear of maths jokes... I'm still to tell them.

Who runs the hankies? The hankie chief.
 

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More crackers!

My friend got sick from drinking tap water. I sent him a 'Get well soon' card

There was a power cut in our neighbourhood last night... we were delighted.

How do you make a bandstand? Take their chairs away.

I have a fear of maths jokes... I'm still to tell them.

Who runs the hankies? The hankie chief.
Timothy, where do you get this 'material' from!

Paul
 

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I finally got a girlfriend long enough that I felt confident enough to visit my parents.

We used her car and got a flat tyre on the way.

Incase they were worried I called them up and said, '' Hi Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh" she sighed. "I thought you were bringing a real one"
 

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A woman from Barnsley decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand in town to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s opposite Morrisons and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and toffee's then asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
 

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It's that time again!

What do you call a wizard from outer space? A flying sorcerer.

Which fish can be found in hospitals? Sturgeons.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the football team? She kept running away from the ball.

How do we know Rapunzel liked to party? She was always letting her hair down.

What did one rockpool saw to the other? Show us your mussels.
 

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'It's that time again!'
It used to be 'It's Friday, it's Crackerjack' (for those old enough to recall).
Now it's 'It's Friday, it's Crackerjokes' :LOL:
Keep up the good work GTOldie (y)
 
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