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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honour” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
 

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Why Judy changed Motels!

Judy checked into a Motel on her 67th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age and it being the holiday season she decided to risk an adventure.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage.
I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!
Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 

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And as for the new year, I feel you have to stay in shape. Take my Aunt Flo, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we still don't know where she is. Happy 2020
 

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing??"
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in Birmingham and you are still wearing all this bollocks?
 

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Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles.

What is cardboard’s favourite sport? Boxing.

My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year. I said, how would I know? I don’t have 2020 vision.

What does the Loch Ness monster eat? Fish and ships.

What did the right shoe say to the left shoe? You’re my solemate.
 

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I went to the launch party of a range cooker and all the staff were handing out pineapples and ground coffee...
I think it was an AGA do...
 
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