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The first bus in Britain to be powered by human waste went into service and crashed on the same day.

Police proved that the driver was speeding by measuring the length of the skid marks
 

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WINDY STORY (Part 3 of 3)

One fateful morning, she awakened without the aid of Mike's anal outbursts. It was Christmas day and he had no need to get up early. She, on the other hand, wanted to get her turkey into the oven bright and early. As she began to prepare the bird, she realised that this was the happiest she'd been in a long time. The thought of being out of range when his normally unavoidable release of bowel-pressure hit, filled her with delight.

As she began to remove the giblets from what would later become dinner, an idea hit her. It was such an inspired thought, that she stopped in mid-evisceration of the turkey and grinned as she turned the idea over in her head, examining it from every angle, not unlike a connoisseur savoring a fine red wine at room temperature. This was just too wonderful to pass up.

Still grinning from ear-to-ear, she crept back into the bedroom with the turkey's internal organs in hand. He was sleeping soundly in his usual post-drunken facedown position and she had no trouble carefully sliding a heaped handful of warm poultry-guts into his pyjamas

Back in the kitchen, she went about her food-preparation, eagerly awaiting his reaction to her little joke. She felt like a young child on Christmas morning, scarcely able to control her eagerness for what was soon to come.

After what seemed like hours - it happened.

This morning's blast was no disappointment. The previous evening's 4 bowls of chili, heaped high with cheese and onions accompanied by his usual several beers, caused his sickening emissions to spring forth with the power of an explosion. The windows rattled. A book fell off the shelf. Surely this must have disturbed the neighbours. It had such power that even though she was in the kitchen, her nose was soon assaulted by the conceivably lethal vapors.

He breathed a great sigh of relief and yawning, rolled onto his back. He distinctly felt a wet and stringy presence beneath him. His eyes snapped open. The shriek of terror that he unleashed was even more violent than the noise he had let out just moments before. Forcing her smirk into a look of concern, she rushed to the bedroom. The bed was empty but the room was full of the rancid stench that could weaken the knees of even the most seasoned waste-disposal engineer. She whirled around, wondering where he'd gone.

She found him in the bathroom. He stood in front of the mirror, his face a shade whiter than linen. He was shaking slightly, and huge beads of sweat rolled down his face.

"Is there something wrong, honey?", she cooed, trying to mask her pleasure at how well this was working.

In a trembling voice, he whimpered, "Holy shit, Holy shit, You were right. All those times you said it would happen and today it finally did. I woke up to find I had farted my guts clean out.

But by the grace of God, these two hands, and with some difficulty and pain, I have managed to stuff them back in again”


THE END

AT LEAST WE GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS​
 

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Aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from New York, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.' "
 

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This week's 'cracker' jokes!

Why can’t two waiters play tennis? They only want to serve.

Why wasn’t the orchestra allowed to perform in front of children? Because of all the sax and violins.

Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care.

Why were 2, 4, and 6 beaten by 3, 5, and 7? The odds were against them.

How do snowmen like to travel? By icicle.
 

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Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him “Did you find the shampoo?”

Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”
 

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A man with two buckets of fish was leaving Devonport beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.
The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour,
When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."

"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"

"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.

"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?"
 

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A secretary got an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a Christmas present.

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by e-mail.

The boss's wife read the e-mail and filed for divorce.
The e-mail said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night.
It has an extraordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
Thanks a lot."
Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.
 

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A Christmas Story!

Boy aged 4: “Dad, I’ve decided to get married.”

Dad: “Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!”

Boy: “Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!!”

Dad: “That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!!”

Boy: “What problem?!”

Dad: “She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!!”

Boy: “Why not?! You married mine!”
 

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A man had two of the best tickets for Scotland v England. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for Scotland v England, one of the biggest sporting events of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first International we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral.
 

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
 

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A Morality Tale.

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me — it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

My entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
 

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Weak Jokes – Middle two actually from Crackers!

What goes, ‘Oh, oh, oh’? Santa walking backwards.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.

What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat? Snowflakes.

What do you call a dog on a beach in the Summer? A hot dog.

I think my calendar is trying to kill me… My days are numbered.

My wife just told me I was delusional… I nearly fell off my unicorn.
 
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