Once when lost as a child, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them."
He said “I don't know kid - there are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out of a window on the tenth floor.
So they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your marks."
When my father wanted sex my mother would show him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library.
I woke up to find a blind man reading my face.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips - yet she won't drink from my glass!
I went for a walk in the park and some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
This morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said "No.. one drag is enough."
I got myself good this morning. I did my push ups in the nude but I didn't see the mouse trap.
A girl phoned me and said "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to massage parlour with a Tassie friend. He didn't tell me it was self-service.
If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said "No, I hate myself now."
She was no bargain either. She had pigtails under her arms.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I’m scheduled to jump off next Tuesday.
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it let alone turn it on even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually, have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it when it becomes troublesome.
Not one of my normal messages . Bit more serious . If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.