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Where do you find a tortoise that has no legs? Exactly where you left it.

What sounds like a sneeze and is make from paper? A tissue.

How do billboards communicate with each other? Sign language.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

What stays in the corner yet can travel all over the world? A stamp.
 

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A very long depressing joke!

Once when lost as a child, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them."
He said “I don't know kid - there are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out of a window on the tenth floor.
So they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your marks."

When my father wanted sex my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library.
I woke up to find a blind man reading my face.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips - yet she won't drink from my glass!

I went for a walk in the park and some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

This morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said "No.. one drag is enough."

I got myself good this morning. I did my push ups in the nude but I didn't see the mouse trap.

A girl phoned me and said "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to massage parlour with a Tassie friend. He didn't tell me it was self-service.

If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said "No, I hate myself now."
She was no bargain either. She had pigtails under her arms.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I’m scheduled to jump off next Tuesday.
 

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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it let alone turn it on even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually, have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it when it becomes troublesome.
 

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Which word in the dictionary is spelt incorrectly? Incorrectly.

What sort of lamps did Noah use on the Ark? Floodlights.

I just rushed to my hospital to find it had been turned into a library. I had to suffer in silence.

What did the cow say to its child? It’s pasture bedtime.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.
 

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Thursday 12th December - Election Day
Friday 13th December - Nightmare On Downing Street
 
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
 
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