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A horse goes into a bar, orders a beer and looks around to see a donkey sat at a table reading the paper. He strolls over and strikes up a conversation and the donkey invites the horse to join him. Well they get chatting and the horse asks the donkey what he does and the donkey tells him he gives kids pleasure rides down on the beach. "How about you?" he asks the horse, who tells him he's a thoroughbred with a fair few major wins under his belt.

Well the evening draws on and at closing time the donkey invites the horse round for a curry one evening to which the horse gladly accepts. They set a date and went their separate ways.

In the meantime the donkey feels he needs to do something to up his game so goes shopping for idea's, eventually he spots a large painting of a zebra in a bric or brac shop, buys it and takes it home and hangs it over his lounge fireplace. On the evening the horse comes round for a curry the donkey invites him in and they go to the lounge for a drink. Soon the horse asks the story behind the zebra painting to which the donkey says, "Oh, that's just me when I used to play for Juventus"
 

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How to Wash a Cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet – the cat is actually enjoying this!


4.5 You may see claws at the side of the toilet seat – don't worry it is just the cat getting itself comfortable for the “rinse”



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse.”


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where it will dry itself off.


9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours sincerely,

The Dog
 

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The Key

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
 

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A man staggers into the casualty department with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, Rebecca, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a field of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was searching around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ****.

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!

I don't remember much after that."
 

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Rick & Morty!

Don't forget season 4 of Rick & Morty starts tonight on E4!
(The old seasons - random - continue on Friday nights.)

If you thought Family Guy with talking Dog and Toddler was weird you should see this! :bounce:
 

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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other. ‘Does he taste funny to you?’

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass? A lawn moo-er.

How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying? You rocket.

What do you call an insect that doesn’t brag? A humblebee.
 

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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six.
The pilot let us take them all and he had the same sort of plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick: 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
 
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