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Where does Superman’s wife drive? Lois’s lane.

I launched my own clothing line this week. I shouldn’t have lit fireworks near the washing.

Why isn’t there a clock in the library? Because it tocks too much.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told here to get out of my fort.

How do mountains stay warm in winter? Snowcaps.
 

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Bible Jokes - Don't look if easily offended. 1 of 2
 

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Bible Jokes - Don't look if easily offended. 2 of 2
 

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The owner of a golf course in Surrey was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of London. I need some help.

If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings”.

Paul
 

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Senior trying to set a password:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:

USER: “cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGi veMeAccessNow!”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssI fYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Paul
 

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A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, "Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!"

She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Hull Kingston Rovers."
 

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Life is like a jar of hot peppers.
What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
 

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What did the bacon say to the tomato? Lettuce get together.

How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.

What did the mayonnaise say when the fridge was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
 

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Boris Johnson decided to visit a remote Welsh village on his election trail. Surrounded by press and TV crew he asked a local in the street what were the important things that the village needed.

"We have 2 urgent needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

Boris stopped the man at that point whipped out his cellphone, and after barking into the phone the urgent need for a doctor and saying "just make it happen" he reassured the villager that a doctor would be there the next day.

"Now what was the second thing" Boris asked

“Secondly sir, we need cellphone coverage, currently there no coverage anywhere in the village.”
 
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