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Father was having trouble with his teenage son who was playing truant.
He decides to buy a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon.

Father asks him, "So were you at school today?"
Son: "Yeah, of course."
Detector: "BEEP"

Son: "OK, OK, sorry Dad, I went to the cinema."
Detector: "BEEP"

Son: "Alright, I went for a beer with my friends."
Father: "What! At your age, I wouldn't touch alcohol!"
Detector: "BEEP"

Mother laughs: "Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!"
Detector: "BEEP"
 

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Where do sheep go on holiday? The Baaa-hamas.

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the lake? It wanted to be a watermelon.

Why did the jellybean go to school? Because it wanted to be a Smartie.

What do you call an old snowman? Water.

What is a ghoul’s favourite fairground ride? The rollerghoster.
 

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SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact ...

"Marion...Marion..."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No ... I'm a rabbit in Tipperary!"
 

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Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat."
 

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A few weeks later Bert was sitting outside with his grandson, little Johnny, who had caught a worm.

"I'll give you $5 if you can stick that worm back into it's hole" Bert told his grandson.
After thinking about it for a minute, the kid rushes inside & grabs Margret's hair spray, sprays the worm with it, waits a minute then shoves it back into the hole.
Bert tells him to wait there, he'll just head inside & get his $5, grabs the can & heads inside.

After waiting for an hour, little Johnny went inside to find Bert.
Just before he got there, Bert came out, looking very tired & gave little Johnny $105

"But Pop, you only promised me $5" said little Johnny.

Bert smiled, "the rest is from your Nan"
 

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A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!"

The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty," says the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!"

At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?"

He replies, "He is my next door neighbour."

The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments."

The man replied "No, your honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"
 
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