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A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked.................. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
 

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A matelot went to the dentist to have treatment - and the dentist said "you need one out", so she went and got a syringe to do this - Oh no,no,no said jack I cant stand needles.
The dentist then went and got a trolly with gas and air - ok, she said, we'll use this.....oh no,no, no said jack - I cant stand gas or the mask over my face -sorry.

The dentist left the room and when she returned she said "here, take this Viagra tablet".

Jack said ok will this help get my tooth out?

No, the dentist said it will just give you something to hang on to while I pull the tooth!!!!




 

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A lady goes to the dentist and tells him how frightened she is.

"I'm so frightened! Do you know, I think I'd rather face the pain of having a baby than having a tooth drilled"

"Well, make up your mind so that I can set the chair at the right height."
 

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There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 15.455999374389648px; display: inline !imant;">After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''
 

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No offence meant to any Barnsley lads on this site . . . . . .

One day a Barnsley bloke decided to retire...He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and had the time of his life, until that is, the ship sank.He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, other than bananas and coconuts.
After four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman rows up to the shore.<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb128, 128, 128; line-height: 12.288000106811523px; display: inline !imant;">In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She says, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when the cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes.. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat washed up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" she says. "I made it out of drift wood and other materials I found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that wasn't a problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, there's a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to the correct temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make all this hardware."
The Barnsley lad's stunned.
"Why don't we row over to my place," she says. After a short time rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
The Barnsley lad looks to the shore and nearly falls out of the boat. Before him, he sees a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.
As the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the bloke from Barnsley can only stare, dumb struck. They walk into the house and she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down.""Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of that coconut juice"
"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a nice coconut whisky?"
He tries to hide his continued amazement and they sit down on her settee to talk..
After they've exchanged their individual survival stories the woman says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
Now he's no longer questioning anything, so the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise shell."This woman's amazing," he muses. "What's next?" He goes back downstairs and she greets him wearing nothing but small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically placed, she smells faintly of gardenias. Then she beckons him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she says suggestively, slithering ever closer to him, "We've both been here for many months. You must have been lonely. I'm certain there's something you feel like right now, something you've been longing for, yes?" She stares directly into his eyes.
He simply can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears form in his eyes,"You've made a chip pan?"
 

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This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like."A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question."A naked woman on a bed."<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.31999969482422px; display: inline !imant;">"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims."I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"
 

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A man goes to see the Doctor and says, 'Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth'.
Doctor says, 'You would better off seeing a psyciatrist so why come to see a GP like me?'

Man says, 'I saw your light on!'
 

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OK. Not really a joke, but some will say it is still funny . . . . . .

UK Tax Guidance................Sometime this year, we the taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.31999969482422px; display: inline !imant;">Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.Instead, keep the money in the UK by:1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Buy Beer or whisky, or
5) Get yourself a Tattoo, or
6) Visit a bookie(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )Conclusion:Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !No need to thank me,
I'm just glad I could be of help.
 

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The Queen is on an official visit going round the ward of a mental hospital.

She approaches the man in the first bed;
"Hello my man, why are you standing on your bed with a hand tucked in the jacket of your pyjamas?

"Because I'm Napoleon Bonaparte."

The Queen is taken aback but the man in the second bed comes to her rescue;
"Just humour him Ma'am, half the patients here are convinced they are someone important."

The Queen smiles her thanks and turns again to the first man.
"Why do you think you are Napoleon?"

"Because God told me so."

The man in the second bed said, "I never said anything of the sort."
 

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Pilot on a plane to passengers,'I've got a bit of bad news, we seem be losing all our fuel. I've calculated that, with the rate of fuel loss, we've got about 15 minutes of flying time left before we run out of fuel and drop the 35,000 feet into the Atlantic Ocean and die. I suggest that you make your peace with your maker and please feel free to have a drink from the trolley.' A girl of about 20 turns to the middle-aged man sitting next to her and tells him that she has saved herself for her future husband on their wedding night, but that was now not going to happen and, lowering her eyes and blushing, she asks him to show her the blessings of marriage. 'Of course,' he says, taking off his trousers and shirt, 'Iron these and make me a cup of tea while you're about it.'Edited by: TonyT
 

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Roman galley with slaves on all the oars. New slave asks the long serving slave next to him if escape was an option. 'You're joking' says the older slave, ' Hardly anyone ever escapes from this boat.' About two months later a slave manages to escape and the rest of the slaves have to row in circles looking for the escapee, with no luck. So all the slaves are released and are made to run around the boat whilst they are whipped again and again. Then they are made to sit down and drink about a gallon of water each and then not move for over an hour, until they are desperate to go to the toilet, then they are made to line up around the outside of the boat and urinate into the air as high as they can. Then they are re-shackled and made to continue rowing. 'What was all that about?' asks the new slave. The old slave says 'Anyone leaves this boat, we always have a whip round and a piss-up.'
 

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Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him ‚¬240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets ‚¬190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about ‚¬25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.31999969482422px; display: inline !imant;">"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit.""That'll be me then," said Paddy
 

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.<br style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.31999969482422px;">Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.<br style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.31999969482422px;">She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.<br style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.31999969482422px;">The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."<br style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.31999969482422px;">Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
I n the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750" Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "£1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again...." !!!
 

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A copper see's a car weaving all over the road and pull's it over. He walks up to the car and see's a nice looking woman is behind the wheel, and smells booze on her breath.He says "I'm going to have to give you a breathalyser test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol"She blows into the bag and he walks over to the police car. After a couple of minutes he comes back and says......."It looks like you have had a couple of stiff ones".....<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.31999969482422px; display: inline !imant;">"Blimey"..... says the woman....... "You mean it shows that too"......
 
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