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11 Posts
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then while
tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? Well I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that Kia Carens you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought that too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes!"

8,077 Posts
Hi all,

It has been suggested by members that we create a place for you to share your jokes, so feel free to post your favourite quips here.

Please keep them clean and within our normal Club rules.


PaulEdited by: Uvox2

8,077 Posts
A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

"What are you can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off!, I can stop any time I want."


110 Posts
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbour's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!


Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'


You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the


A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'


A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'

Blondes Are The Best!!!
Edited by: DavidM61

110 Posts
A man and a girl were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The girl sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the girl sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more ..... Assuming that the girl might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the Girl sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the girl and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The Girl nodded ..... "Pepper."

110 Posts
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


The coffin stops.

110 Posts
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

110 Posts
The youth of today carry with them our hopes for a better, brighter future.
They are the means by which our species will evolve and learn. They are also
the ones who will pay our pensions and choose our retirement homes! As our
children anxiously await their exam results we present a compilation of
actual exam answers. They are funny, hilarious, humorous, but worst of all,
they're true!

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.

3. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died of this.

4. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be
after you be eight.

5. Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead
of the bull.

6. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

7. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
Unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached

8. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are
buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed

9. To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

10. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like

11. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The
caesarean section is a district in Rome.

12. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

13. When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide

14. To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow

15. Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Are you really pinning all your hopes on your kids?

1,617 Posts
A guy walks into a bar, and says to the barman......."Ten large Bacardi & Cokes please"......As soon as the barman has lined them up he rapidly gulps them down one after the other......<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 15.455999374389648px; display: inline !imant;">"Blimey"...says the barman........" You drank them fast"....."You'd drink them fast if you had what I have" says the guy..."What's that then" asks the barman..."27p" says the guy.....

1,617 Posts
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 15.455999374389648px; display: inline !imant;">The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?"....the man asked...... "Where the hell were you when I got married ".........

190 Posts
A little 80 year old lady who had never flown before boarded an airliner and was told by the cabin staff to choose a seat as no seats were reserved. After a while the lady settled down only to be disturbed by a man who claimed she was in his seat.
"No" replied the lady "I'm not moving I was told I could sit where I like". The man insisted several times she choose another seat but each time she refused.

"Very well" exclaimed the man, "If that's the way you feel --- you fly the plane!!!"

1,617 Posts
William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute."I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.<div ="text_exposed_show" style="color: rgb20, 24, 35; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 15.455999374389648px; display: inline !imant;">"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217."Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.William asked, "How much do you charge?""$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price.""Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

1,617 Posts
A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked.................. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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