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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The current plight of the Costa Concordia recalls a comment made by Winston Churchill.
After
his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise
liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime
Minister should choose an Italian ship.
"There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill.
"First their cuisine is unsurpassed.
Second their service is superb.
And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and
children first".

NO SEX Since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local
liberal arts college.
There
was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one
of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well,
there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.


As
you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A
couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at
the George Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red
wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before .... I took a bus home. Sure enough I
passed a police roadblock but as I was on a bus they waved me past.

I
arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I
have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!


An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down
the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but
you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in
her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He
looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down
the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room
and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back
there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse
a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it
over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off
again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old
man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an
erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...
not the Breathalyzer again!"



A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.




















The
farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the
sheep are pregnant.






The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The
man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.






So,
he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next
morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the Land Rover again.






He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed
exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.






Try
again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.










No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover,







and one of them is beeping the horn.
 

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The bus one is brilliant, imstealingit
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
 

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A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.<br style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left; : rgb17, 34, 51; ">A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"<br style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left; : rgb17, 34, 51; ">He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."<br style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left; : rgb17, 34, 51; ">"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"<br style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left; : rgb17, 34, 51; ">"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
 

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A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.<br style="text-align: left; : rgb251, 251, 253; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; ">A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"<br style="text-align: left; : rgb251, 251, 253; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; ">He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."<br style="text-align: left; : rgb251, 251, 253; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; ">"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"<br style="text-align: left; : rgb251, 251, 253; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; ">"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
 
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