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62 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I had an accident on the way to work the other day. I smashed into the
back of this car at the traffic lights. The owner got out and he was a
little dwarf! He only came upto my waist.

He said "I'm not happy"

I said "Go on then, which one are you?"

A Scotsman an Italian and an Irishman were in an English pub one night,
when the Scotsman says "At my local you buy the 1st drink and the 2nd drink, then they give you the 3rd drink free."
"That's nothing" says the Italian "At home in my country, youa buya the
1st drink they buya you the 2nd drink and you gat a freea pasta meala!"
The Irishman looks up and says "That's nothing in Dublin THEY buy you
the 1st drink and the second drink and the 3rd then they take you down
the alleyway and give you a damn good f**k!"
"Wow" say the Scotsman and the Italian "Has this happend to you ?"
"No" says the Irishman, "but that's what my sister says"

A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems as though you've got a major stuttering problem."
The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One
afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven't
stuttered since!"
The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn't w-w-work...
....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

Bob goes into the public toilets and sees this guy standing
next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking
care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor bugger is going to
take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Errr, OK, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair
clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the
guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your prick?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

<div style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 12pt; MARGIN-RIGHT: 36pt">

<div style=": white" ="yiv408144139Msonormal">Read to the end before making a judgment
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


You are in London .
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
*** THE TEST: ***
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris
You move closer...
Somehow, the man looks familiar....
You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza,
the one-eyed, hook handed bastard who hates non-Muslims and wants the
UK to become an Islamic state!!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's
most despised, evil and powerful men!

Would you select high contrast colour film or,
would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

62 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small
town. He's going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes,
when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a
person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a
human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from
being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our
full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to
perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in
general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the
past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in
every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern
sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should
hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on
your knee!"

6 Posts
You are a prisoner sentenced to death. The Emperor offers you a chance to live by playing a simple game. He gives you 50 black marbles, 50 white marbles and 2 empty bowls. He then says, "Divide these 100 marbles into these 2 bowls. You can divide them any way you like as long as you use all the marbles. Then I will blindfold you and mix the bowls around. You then can choose one bowl and remove ONE marble. If the marble is WHITE you will live, but if the marble is BLACK... you will die."

How do you divide the marbles up so that you have the greatest probability of choosing a WHITE marble?
<br ="apple-interchange-newline"="">


Edited by: eoncathell

2,247 Posts
Place 1 white marble in one bowl, and place the rest of the marbles in the other bowl (49 whites, and 50 blacks).That way you start with a 50/50 chance of life but if you choose the bowl with the most marbles you still have a good chance of living cos there are 49 whites to 50 black.
Am no daft you know only stupid sometimes

Edited by: davy
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