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AlanHo View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2017 at 7:05am

Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the Thames ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings.

As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property………….."

"Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The arsehole had a window cleaning round."


 

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AlanHo View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Sep 2017 at 7:07am

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Sep 2017 at 7:52am

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin .

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven .

" Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos . Da good noos is dat you're going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.

"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.

"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena".

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you how to hold it so you don't pee in your eye".

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Sep 2017 at 7:54am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Sep 2017 at 7:56am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2017 at 4:30am
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates, when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady. "What is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St Peter. "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable, but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady. "Now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St Peter. "They are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised."

"Sure," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2017 at 8:21pm
In line with normal practice, the U S Postal Service has launched a new stamp with President Trump on it.

The have however been a lot of complaints, with people saying the stamps won't stick to envelopes.

After a thorough investigation it has been found there is nothing wrong with the stamps, as the problem is due to people spitting on the wrong side.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2017 at 8:31pm
Sent to me by a caring friend who certainly nicked it off the web.


Just a line to say I'm living
That I'm not among the dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful
Something's in my head;

I got used to my arthritis
To my dentures I'm resigned
I can manage my bifocals
But how much I miss my mind;

For sometimes I can't remember
When I stand atop the stair
If I must go down for something
Or if I've just come from there;

And before the 'fridge so often
My mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put some food away,
Or have I come to take some out?

I called a friend not long ago
When they answered I just moaned.
I hung up quickly without speaking,
For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.

And when the darkness falls upon me
I stand alone and scratch my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
Or just getting out of bed.

Once I stood there in my bathroom
Wondering if I'd used the pot
I flushed it just in case I had
And sat down in case I'd not.

it's my turn now to write to you
There's no need for getting sore
It may be that I think I've written
And don't need to write no more.

I stood beside the postbox
With face so very red
Instead of posting your letter
I've opened it instead.

Origin unknown
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaulD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Sep 2017 at 9:19am
Not quite a traditional joke, but funny if you're an iPhone fan..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjlHnJvXdQs
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AlanHo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2017 at 5:20am
Can you believe it. My Income tax return form has been sent back to me, because in response to question 4

"Do you have any one dependant on you"

I replied."

2.1 million illegal immigrants.
1.1 million crackheads
4.4 million Unemployable Jeremy Kyle Nation Scroungers.
900.000 Criminals in over 85 prisons.
Plus 650 Idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission

They said this was not an acceptable answer. So who the hell did I leave out?
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